I was thinking today about what I'm going to do next year when Halle goes to school. I have had this thought several times and the thoughts just sort of swirl around landing wherever. I think about what I'm interested in and if I'd want to do that all day, every day. I picked up my paint brushes for the first time in I don't even know how long. And I thought that maybe I should take a drawing class and practice really hard so that I don't have to go sit in a boring office making somebody's copies for them and answer their phone. And decided that I don't have to be the best painter in the world or be in a gallery or sell anything because, well, I just like painting sometimes. I like it when I have paint on my hands. And why does it have to be anything bigger than that? Yes, eventually I will run out of walls to put things on but that day is not today. And I realized that I don't want to do that. I don't want to be a chef and cook for people all day, every day. And I don't want to be a designer either. I don't really want to go to graduate school. And I thought that maybe there is nothing in this whole wide world that I can imagine doing for my whole life. And then I thought 'I want to be a minister of music'.
I should probably have my head examined. But I like leading worship and I like conducting choir rehearsal. But honestly, for the most part I don't really like church. What? I guess I should say that I don't like the church machine. The machine that makes you fit into the mold where you say the right thing (whether or not it's actually the truth) and you wear the right thing and God forbid, you say something that's truthful and challenging because if you do you're going to hear about it on Monday morning in the form of your pastor chewing you out. Because they don't like your hair or your clothes or your face and type A women freak people out. You couldn't possibly be intelligent or have anything meaningful to say so you get relegated to office duties and don't get to visit people in the hospital and pray for them or do anything to help anyone because the fact that you exist just really pisses people off. And instead of someone saying 'hey maybe we should drop our stones and give her a chance' they just keep throwing them. Because you couldn't possibly be human and they couldn't possibly be making your life a living hell. Because there are very few Christians mature enough to say 'You know what? It's not about me. I may not like her leadership style but God placed her here and I'm going to support that'. And the funny thing is that it always surprises me when it happens. And I'll just add that I made mistakes. Which I always say but I'll say it again- I didn't do everything right. But I really, really tried to.
Ministry to me has always been about helping people. Seeing God heal people emotionally, physically and spiritually. And leading worship is the way that God called me to do that. I can't imagine doing anything else and I can't imagine doing it either. My dad worked at the Post Office for his whole career. I don't think that was his calling. My husband works in the computer field but he's a teacher, really. And a song writer. Millions of people do what they have to do and never get the opportunity to fulfill what they're passionate about. I think that I just didn't know it was still there. And I never thought I'd have such disdain for the machine. I've been a follow the rules, that's just the way things are girl for such a long time that I don't even know what to make of it.
So there you have it. A rant whether you were ready for it or not. I guess I have more to sort out. I usually just stuff it down and don't think about it because I'm kind of tired of all that. But for today I will take care of my kids and maybe finish a painting and move on. Except it doesn't feel like I'm moving on, it feels like I'm sitting completely still. Stuck in some prison and for what? I have no idea. I'll get back to that painting though.