Regarding My Last Post...

OK, here are my thoughts. First of all I have no need for a TV preacher sitting in my living room. I belong to a local church and have people there that pray with me and for me and from which I receive guidance. I am familiar with the "name it and claim it" doctrine since it came to my area in the late '80's. There was such a backlash against it in my church that there wasn't much of a chance that I would believe it. Actually I never heard any of that doctrine preached I only heard it called "blab it and grab it"- my Dad coined that one.

I hate, hate, hate bad theology. Bad theology can ruin lives. Bad theology is what causes men to walk for miles on their knees to earn their salvation, to whip themselves, starve themselves, take vows that humans weren't meant to endure (Rolando del Campo took a vow to crucify himself every good Friday for 15 years because God delivered his wife and child safely through a difficult labor), to endlessly confess Hail Mary's or any other endless repetition in order to be saved or to be closer to God or to repay Him for some act of kindness. Or it can fool people into thinking there is no need to confess Christ as their savior. That being "good" is enough.

I lost a friend to bad theology. "C" and I met during my sophomore year in college. He hadn't been saved a long time but he was very focused and was a pre- seminary major, I think. And according to he and other people that I was friends with the Lord taught him how to play the piano. He wasn't a concert pianist but he could lead worship from the keyboard (how very 90's). Anyway, he and I sang one night during a worship service and ended up having a connection through worship. It had only been about a year since my divorce and it was actually that night that really confirmed to me the direction my life would take. So "C" and I would talk and he'd ask me every time how my "devotions" were going. And I'd always say something like "oh yeah, I should do that" or "Um, I prayed in the shower this morning". And finally he said "Amy, if you don't seek the Lord you will always stay the same". His words really struck me and it was the beginning of my really seeking the Lord and of a tremendous time of spiritual growth for me.

So how does this tie in to the article you ask? Well, just wait there's more. Southeastern started a worship ministry with an alumnus as the leader and "C" was his right hand man. Part of the ministry was called Worship Choir and the other part was worship class. It wasn't for class credit or student ministry credit I just took it because I was passionate about Christ and worship was the area to which I felt called. And the crux of what the worship classes was based on grace. The grace of God that covers a multitude of sins. The grace that doesn't look at what we do for acceptance into God's kingdom but at the blood of Christ covering us as our acceptance as righteous. Sounds good, eh? Well, it should because it's true. However, when you separate one nugget of truth- albeit and incredibly important nugget- from the rest of the truth you can find yourself out on a limb. And "C" was no dummy. He recognized that. I clearly remember him drawing a tree with the trunk representing Christ and saying that if you climb out on a doctrinal limb- such as grace- you're separated from Christ. But that's exactly what happened. He and several people (close friends) moved a few hours away to a "prophetic" church. I went there and I saw things that happened and it was messed up. The doctrinal issues were small- almost undetectable- but the fruit of it was obvious. The pastor and her husband divorced and the worship leader left her husband and married "C"s best friend- 30 years her junior. C's best friend was my friend too and it made me ill to see him married to the sea hag. C and I had a falling out, I don't remember the exact context but it was big and our friendship was over. I actually don't think I have ever had a fight like that with someone where there was no possibility for reconciliation. It was a really tough time for me personally and thankfully my voice teacher was there to be the voice of reason in my life- to talk me down from a ledge, so to speak. Because there was some seriously weird spiritual 'mumbo b'jumbo' going on.

So my point in that is that bad theology typically has a nugget of truth, which is why people don't reject it outright. And back to the article, the Bible does talk about giving and God blessing you. But any responsible preacher, pastor, teacher, evangelist, etc. has a responsibility to put that in proper context. In the new testament the church members were selling everything they had and giving it to the church to be distributed among those that needed it. But in reference to the woman in the article that has given everything she had, what she could borrow, and what she got from payday advance places, there is no scriptural precedent for giving what you don't have or have to borrow at 99% interest. I understand her desperation for a miracle but she's believing a lie and apparently doesn't know the scriptures. I know, I know I'm blaming the victim but it is true. It is most definitely looking to God as being your genie in a bottle. I understand the desperation and "black hole" that financial strain brings so I understand why she did it. I'm not without compassion for her. On the contrary I'm disgusted that there are preachers on TV that preach this crap- there I said it.

1st Timothy 6:3-6 (-ish because this is the Message and the verses aren't marked)

"These are the things that I want you to teach and preach. If you have leaders there who teach otherwise, who refuse the solid words of our Master Jesus and this godly instruction, tag them for what they are: ignorant windbags who infect the air with germs of envy, controversy, bad-mouthing, suspicious rumors. Eventually there's an epidemic of backstabbing, and truth is but a distant memory. They think religion is a way to make a fast buck. A devout life does bring wealth, but it's the rich simplicity of being yourself before God."

The NASV says, "But godliness actually is a means of great gain, when accompanied by contentment." Contentment? I would say that contentment in whatever circumstances you are in is one of the great "secrets" to life. I can post more about that later.

So what should we do about those wolves in sheep's clothing? I'm not sure. If you google any of the names that are mentioned in that article you'll find thousands of articles of people already calling their bluff. I'm not one of them because I don't follow any of them and don't watch them so I couldn't really tell you anything about them other than what I've heard. I do get nervous about the government intervening and regulating or dictating theology. That is a slippery slope. However, when the government gives a tax-exempt status for ministries they have every right to investigate that and determine whether that is being abused. I don't want the government to be that answer. But when you have "mega-stars" that aren't accountable to anyone there is no way for a church body to govern that.

I'm not sure that I've said everything that I have to say. One could debate endlessly on everything that's wrong with such things. But I think I've said enough.

Well, This is Something to Chew on With Your Christmas Leftovers

I'll post about Christmas later, mainly because I think everyone is on a blogging hiatus and I wouldn't want you to miss a moment of the Button family Christmas 2007. But while we're still basking in the warm glow of the holiday season I thought I'd pass along this little article. I figure this could be a landmine but hey, I still love you even if we don't agree. Of course, I'm not telling you what I think yet ;)

Elf Yourself

Travis just sent this to me and it is super funny. Just so you know the elf with the black face is Sophie.

Happy Birthday Halle!

It's Halle's third birthday. I'm excited and thankful that her first three years have been wonderful. She, however, is clueless. Every time I tell her happy birthday she'll say "happy booday to YOU Mommy!" or "IZ NOT MY BOODAY!". So I decided to quit telling her. And I don't feel even the least itty-itty bit guilty about not having a big party for her.

We took her out for dinner last night to Chili's. We could have (and maybe should have) gone to Chick-Fil-A but my parents gave us a gift card for Christmas to Chili's and since it's been six months since the Buttons have been to a for real restaurant we thought it was a good idea. It wasn't. Halle isn't used to having to sit for so long (Chili's was packed and it took a long time for our food to get there) and so there was lots of wiggling and bouncing and trying to get away. And since she was in "big girl panties" for the very first time there were several trips to the bathroom. It was a bit stressful. Then we went to look at Christmas lights and after just a few minutes of that we heard a little voice in the backseat say "I hafta go to da bafwoom". So we headed back home and she "held it" until we got there. So my little one is out of diapers before her third birthday- whew! I wasn't sure we were going to make that one. I can't say that she's completely potty trained because we still have some issues with some things but she's not really having any accidents either. Yay!

Party People Everywhere

You have to check out this site. I don't need to say anything else.

My Thoughts On Christmas

Posting ones thoughts on Christmas is shaky territory because *everybody* has their own opinion of how things should be celebrated. I had friends in college that would gripe about the commercialization, etc. but it didn't really bother me. I bought presents, ate cookies, and received presents. When Amanda was born I decided that I wouldn't do Santa Claus with her because I never believed in Santa (despite elaborate efforts by my parents) and it just wasn't my thing. I actually really ticked off a nail tech (that was working on my nails) when Travis and I first got married. I told her my daughter didn't believe in Santa Claus *or* the Easter Bunny (I didn't know you were supposed to *believe* in the Easter bunny). So this really isn't a diatribe on how anybody except the Buttons will celebrate Christmas.

In the last several years since Travis and I have been married I can only remember two Christmases that haven't been incredibly difficult mostly financially but three years ago it was difficult because we were living with my parents. I remember sitting in the bedroom Travis and I were staying in and all of our earthly posessions were in my parents basement and I was 9 months pregnant. (If you don't know, we moved to AL to help my parents start a church. )And all I could think of was how crummy of a Christmas it would be. And the Lord really convicted me of thinking that our circumstances should dictate "how good" of a Christmas it would be. So over the years and as things have gotten more difficult for us I've just kind of let go of the celebration aspect. What's it all about anyway? I've heard it said that "Christmas is for children", "Christmas is for families", Christmas is for giving, Peace on Earth, Goodwill toward men, etc. And I'm ashamed to say that I hadn't ever examined it closely enough to know if any of that is true. I did the same stuff my parents did. I'm not sure why they did it, that's just how we celebrated Christmas- and it was all about the presents. I'm sure my parents felt a trememdous amout of guilt if they couldn't get us everything we were expecting. So is Chrismas about presents, bonuses, fourth quarter earnings, black Friday, grumpy shoppers, exhausted Mommies, endless traffic, endless lines?

I decided to take a cranial approach to the whole thing and find out why we celebrate the way we celebrate. And what I found out was that Christmas was started by the church to be competition for a pagan holiday celebrated on the same day. Individuals birthdays weren't typically celebrated so I guess they felt that they had to bring out "the big guns" to drag folks away from pagan revelries. But regardless why they started it the day is still the celebration of the birth of our savior- so my point is not that it is a pagan holiday as I've heard some Christians say. Then I looked at symbolism and where this thing comes from and why do we do that, and what I found out is that Christmas traditions are celebrated according to local customs. Everybody does it differently. But it was gnawing at me- what.is.the.point?

So finally I just prayed, "Lord how do you want us to celebrate Christmas?". I think I might have been expecting to hear him say that it is pointless and there is no need to celebrate it at all- to validate my cynicism. But what I heard him say was "how would you celebrate the birth of a king?". How should I celebrate God becoming human flesh to walk among us and change the course of mankind's destiny? Well, when you put it like that I think that I can only celebrate and worship. Not having the money to "celebrate" like we're used to doesn't negate the fact that Christ came to earth and lived among us so that we could have a relationship with our creator. So we will celebrate, and worship and do our very best to give our children an understanding of why we celebrate Christmas. Which is difficult when nearly every program on TV is about Santa Claus coming to town.

I'm not familiar with Advent. My Christian heritage is pentecostal and when the pentecostal movement happened I think they shunned any type of formal or liturgical worship in favor of being "led by the spirit". I know why they did. My Dad was raised Lutheran and didn't even know he needed to be "saved" until he was in his 20's and then it was because a couple with pentecostal or charismatic roots reached out to him. And while I'm not picking on Lutherans or any other Liturgical church- I know that for some people it represented "dead worship". I, on the other hand, have read some liturgy and it is completely beautiful. It couldn't have been written by someone versed in "dead worship" because that type of worship comes from a soul that knows Christ- they could not have written it otherwise. So it seems (though I don't have a good grip on it yet) that Advent could very well be incorporated into what we do. I just know that now I understand what all the decorating and feasting and celebrating is about. It's about Christ and that is something that I can wholeheartedly celebrate.

Mommy, Have Nanni and Poppi arrived yet?

Wow, Chloe is growing up so very quickly. Have my parents arrived yet? Um, no but they should any second. We're not traveling for Christmas this year and while I miss seeing our families in FL I am really excited to establish some traditions with just our little family. I've actually been struggling through my feelings on Christmas and traditions and what the point of it all is. I doubt that I have time to write it all down now because my parents should be here any minute now. And I haven't completely come to grips with what I'm feeling so there's no need to drag you all along on my journey, right?

So I really wanted to post about a humorous little thing- well humorous to me anyway. Well, as some of you may know I have had a Southern Living subscription for a long time. And if I haven't had a subscription then I got my Mom's hand me downs that have accompanied me to workout rooms and pick up lines for pretty much forever. My oldest magazine is from 1997- and I still have it. So, I was reading December's issue (2007) and got to an article about decorating with magnolias for Christmas. I immediately thought "Ah, it's a re-run!" and was appalled because I knew I'd seen that buffet draped in magnolia leaves. But then I remembered that I'd seen them decorate with magnolias before but this was a different setup. Then I recognized the grasscloth wallpaper on the walls that had been painted red and the magnolia tree decorated with Christmas lights in the living room and I realized that I had seen it before but it was because it was my Aunt Cindy's house and that was her decorations from last Christmas! I remember thinking last year that their decorations looked like something SL would do. But then I went to the magazine online to try to link it for you and the article they had was from a few years ago and was the original article I was thinking of. Funny. And my parents are here now.

Of Stockings and Such

Sophie's stocking is finally finished. Actually I finished it a couple of days ago and started Halle's stocking. I made Halle's bigger because I felt that Sophie's was pretty elaborate and my daughter must have something bigger and better than my cat. My dilemma is this- since looking at the picture I think that the cat's tail needs something. Possibly the dots or small stars. The original thinking was that doing the tail too would make it too *busy*. But now I just think it looks unfinished. Which is sad because I've since sewn the whole thing up- by hand. Yes, my cat has a completely hand sewn, hand embroidered stocking- funny.

So on to Halle's stocking. My original thought was to do something simple, elegant, and icy feeling. I love the combination of blues and plus my Christmas tree is in shades of blue. But now that I'm partially done it just feels sort of bland- especially when compared to Sophie's stocking. And my Christmas tree might not stay blue and silver forever. Every year since I moved out of my
parents house (9 years) my tree has been various shades of blue and I still like it but I'm starting to get tired of it. So do I really want Halle's stocking to just be blue and maybe silver? I'm not sure. I could just embroider smaller colorful snowflakes around the large one, which I was planning on doing anyway only in shades of blue and silver. But I'm not sure that it will have the same impact as starting with pink floss to begin with. It definitely won't be as bright and cheerful. I guess I'll figure it out and keep you posted.

And I don't think I ever posted pictures of my completed kitchen island project. I just took the panes of glass out of the drawer fronts, cut some fabric to fit, sprayed it with spray starch and put them back in. There were pieces of wood designed to keep beans and things in the drawer fronts (remember when that was in style?) but I left the wood out and it gives me and extra inch or so of drawer space. I'm sure that doesn't sound like a lot but the drawers don't open very far and they're really impractical for storing things so the extra space really does help.

Just More Randomness Since I'm Sick and Can't Do Anything Else...

Well, except maybe watch Rudolph with the girls. I probably should since Eon (the big vulture) is scaring Halle. Anyway, I found this while checking out the Handmade pledge from Tisra's site. I love pretty much everything in this store but I'm especially drooling over this, and this, and this. Fun stuff.

Dinner

I got one of many, many Southern Living offers in the mail again a few days ago enticing me to "celebrate 40 years of the South's Best Cooking!" by purchasing a cookbook. I already have several SL cookbooks and rarely make anything from it because of the extensive ingredient list. But they gave me a "freebie" on the advertisement which sounded super simple so I thought I'd give it a try. I actually had everything except the pasta on hand which was awesome. It took a little more time to prepare than what I originally thought since you're basically making a parmesan cheese sauce to accompany the meat sauce but it was totally worth it. I doubled the recipe thinking that there was no way that one pound of hamburger would feed the Buttons but I didn't take into account that it calls for a 13 X 9 baking dish. So I seriously had baked ziti (I used Rotini because the only ziti I found was made with white flour) in 3 casserole dishes. Which turned out to be a good thing since my sickness got worse instead of better and everybody was able to eat a decent meal for several days (3 or 4, I can't remember exactly when I made it). Everbody (including the budget- it's pretty cheap for the amount of food you end up with) loved it and demanded that it be a regular on the menu. So since we're all super-busy this Christmas season I thought I'd share a delicious, hearty, and easy to make recipe. Enjoy!

Sophie's Stocking

I've been intending to blog about Thanksgiving since, um, last Monday but a wonderful bug of some sort has descended on the Button house and has decided to stay for a while. But while I'm laid up (probably a sinus infection) I decided to work on a new stocking for Sophie (our cat in case you didn't know) and Halle. It's made from a fleece type material that I had lying around and I embroidered (well I used embroidery floss, I'm not sure that this counts as embroidery) the design. Being the genius that I am I sewed the whole thing up first and then figured out that it would be impossible to sew the design so I had to take it apart. I figure that I'll be able to finish it tomorrow and then start on Halle's. Actually, I'm past the "this is fun" part and am now to the "gaaa, I wish I was done with this" part but I'm pretty happy with the way it looks so far.

I'm Not Trying to Turn This Into a Craft Blog...

But this is the cutest thing ever! Amanda wants one and I want to run right out and get some felt but realistically that won't happen until after we get back from our Thanksgiving trip to my parents house.

And I found this a couple of days ago and I think it's the sweetest party idea ever. It looks so simple and I was so excited about it knowing that Chloe loves butterflies. Can you believe she wrinkled up her nose and said, "I'd like it if it was surfer girl". My daughter and her one track mind. I'd do it for Halle but since she's turning 3 and is still a bit clueless on the party thing, I think I'm going to skip a party for her this year. I'm not planning on doing that once she understands things more because I don't want her to feel slighted especially since her birthday is only 5 days before Christmas.

I'd also like to put a link for the yummiest sugar scrub and body butter ever. Kiki's Suds is made by a friend of Trav's and I asked for it for my birthday. He got the Vanilla Pumpkin sugar scrub and body butter and I'm totally hooked. She also sent a sample for Bahama Mama dreamy whipped lotion and I'm definitely getting some of that too. I think I'm addicted.

And since I'm blogging I thought I'd post some useful little tidbits. Such as, did you know that to get melted wax out of a candle holding device you can just pop them into the freezer for about 20 minutes and the wax will just pop out? I think my Mom told me that after I cracked a candle holder by trying to boil the wax off. It was part of a candle tree set. It was beautiful when it was lit but I had to throw the whole thing away because I couldn't find a replacement. And did you know that you can run the floor mats from your car through the washing machine? I tried it out of desperation and they came out perfectly clean and smelled like fabric softener. I told Tisra and she tried it too and was very happy with how it turned out. I'm probably going to do it again before we go out of town.

OK, I guess I'm out of tidbits at two but both of those have saved me a tremendous amount of time and frustration. I hope they help.

Orange is My New Favorite Color

OK, not really but I do like it a LOT because of this blog. Now I want something orange. I originally decided to paint the kitchen yellow because I could use an amazing amount of color with it so I'm thinking of some sort of orange accessory for the spring/summer season. I didn't put her blog up here just because of the orange thing though. She also has tons of great ideas for projects- I would say crafts but she kind of went on a tirade about how she hates that word craft. So whatever you call it she has tons of great ideas- I think she's graphic designer by trade. And also at the end of this article there is a well laid out plan for marketing your products. Now, I don't see myself ever doing that because it's not my thing. But several friends have talked about 'maybe one day I'll...' so here you go.

Chloe and Stuff

Chloe's teacher sent home a note on Wednesday that said the school was having an award ceremony and that Chloe was receiving an award and that we were invited to attend. So Travis went (I couldn't make it) and Chloe was awarded a certificate for perseverance. She was so excited! Now, it's tempting for the cynical Amy to think, "Hmmm, what better way to appease a ticked off Mommy than to give her kid an award." But Chloe has had a rough year and she has persevered and I think she totally deserves this.

On a different note- last weekend we went out to the Natchez Trace with the Fadely's and took pictures. Is it any wonder I love fall so much? Or that I love living in Franklin? The parkway is only about 8 miles from our house- love, love, love it!

Excitement is in the Air!!!

Ah, Thanksgiving! I'm so excited! I just looked at Chloe's school schedule and found out that she has the entire week off next week. So I'm thinking of all sorts of fun stuff to do. I'd like to take just Chloe to downtown Franklin and look at the shops- because she loves shopping- but I'd also like to walk through the neighborhood and enjoy all of the fall foliage and take pictures. There is a store on the corner of 2nd ave and church (I think) that I've wanted to go to for months but never seem to make it that far off of main st.

I've also enjoyed a crafty type blog lately with the cutest ideas for handmade little things. A fabric house, felt cupcake, festive bunting & a chocolate felt doughnut? My mind is all-a-whirl with the fun we could have. Then my practical side asks, "what in the world would you do with all of that stuff? Not to mention you have nowhere else to put it." *Grrr* I don't like my practical side. But at least none of these things would contain dangerous levels of lead. I didn't think I would be in a panick when the first lead issues started coming out, probably because *I* don't buy very many toys for my kids anyway. But with the recall of Aqua Dots andCurious George I have to say that I did get a bit freaked out and started scouring Etsy for toy ideas. As and aside, Amanda saw me looking at Etsy the other night and was totally hooked. She now has her own account and has dozens of items in her wish list.

So back to the handmade goodies. I think I could have some useful purpose for some of those things. I'm at a loss on the fabric house (that looks so totally simple that I want to make it) but the cupcake and doughnut could be very cute party favors. Of course I would be stealing that idea from Christy's blog (which I would put a link for but I haven't asked her). She made super-cute knitted cupcakes for a cupcake themed party. I like knitting but it's not my most favorite thing in the universe so I think the felt ones would be easier. But Chloe's birthday isn't until June. I could do the bunting in surfer fabrics that could hang in Chloe's bedroom and she could help me make them. Or maybe I should just finish the 82 projects I've started around the house- *sigh*.

Oh and my birthday was Monday. I don't think that birthdays should ever fall on Monday because, really, life is just flying by way too fast for anybody to slow down long enough to appreciate a Monday birthday. The previous weekend though was great. The Fadely's were kind enough to watch the two little girls so Travis and I had dinner, went to the mall (ooh big fun), and went home. It doesn't sound like a huge big deal but I was sick and didn't feel like doing a lot. But we had time together, which we hadn't had in at least 3 weeks so just being able to walk around holding hands and talking was a huge treat.

Ooh, and speaking of treats I think Chloe and I should make some of those next week too. I haven't made the pumpkin pops that I mentioned a month or so ago and this would be a great time. Well, and the window for that is almost closed. If I wait until after Thanksgiving they'll have to be reindeer pops and I don't think I'm talented enough for that. But maybe if I used cocoa crispies....hmmm. OK, I think I'm done rambling now but if anyone has any ideas I'd be happy to hear them.

Where To Start? The Finale

I'm done sharing now. When I first started this I thought I'd be sharing mostly about our life in the last 7 years and would just kind of skim my part of it. But as I look back I realize what a miracle my life is. I remember telling my Dad on more than one occasion that "I shouldn't be who I am without having had lots of therapy". And it's true. But what is miraculous is that the creator of the universe loved me enough to heal me. He got into the broken places in a way that no one ever could. I don't think I'm completely "there" yet but I firmly believe that I will be. I'm certainly not the broken mess who's life was over before she ever reached 20- I'm speaking from and outsider-looking-in opinion. In my opinion my life didn't start until I was 20, even though I'd made a lifetime of grown-up mistakes already. And now I consider myself to be one of the most blessed people on the planet. I have a wonderful husband and three amazing daughters. I wish I could regale you all with the tales of the things they say and do and just who they are that makes them so amazing but you have your own special people and know what I mean. I wanted to change the world and instead God put me in the position of being a wife and stay at home mom. He gave me what I needed. And I'm satisfied with that. I'm not going to make any predictions about the future and what we'll do. Our lives are in God's hands and I believe that He will fulfill every purpose that he has for us. And for that I'm thankful.

Where To Start? Part 5

After I left my first position as a M-O-M (funny) I have to say that I was pretty much devastated. I think I just mostly stayed in bed for about a month. And it was at this point that I learned forgiveness. To say that I had to forgive is implying that I was wronged but without being wronged there is no need for forgiveness, I don't think I'm teetering to say that much.

I remember clearly one afternoon I decided to take Amanda to the mall in a neighboring city (the two closest malls to us were each about 45 minutes away so I always went to the nicest one) and I heard a radio preacher talking about forgiveness. I don't remember exactly who he was but I remember that he said there were no "buts" you just have to forgive. At this point I was very hurt and bitter and was full of anger about the situation. My mind was constantly in a whirl about specific things that happened. So I just made a decision to forgive. I didn't want to forgive. I didn't think anybody deserved my forgiveness but I couldn't bear the thought of *people* coming between my relationship with the Lord. So anytime a thought came into my mind about things that happened I just said "I forgive them". I didn't know what else to do. I hadn't ever seen an outline of "this is how you forgive people" so I just figured it out myself. So I went from thinking about things every second of every day to thinking about it every five minutes. I continued to just say in my mind "I forgive them". Then I'd think about it every ten minutes and the next week I'd think about it every 15 minutes and then every hour and then twice a day and then once a day, once a week, once a month to rarely ever thinking about it again. I don't remember exactly what happened there now. I mean, if I really sat here and thought about it I could drag those memories back but I quit doing that because I knew if I did and got angry again then I'd have to forgive them again and I just wanted to be done with it.

I think that there is a misconception about forgiveness which is that forgiveness is about the injuring party. But it isn't really. Forgiveness is about the person injured and their emotional, physical and spiritual well being. Forgiveness is so that the injured person will be whole. Unforgiveness, when allowed free reign of a person, causes you to interpret every action by every person in the light of being hurt. You can never be whole, never be free of the pain that was caused until you forgive. In my case I decided that as long as I didn't forgive I was letting the offenders in my life control me. And I'm speaking of people with which you've determined that there is no hope of having a relationship with. Forgiveness isn't about setting yourself up for the firing squad again. The thought that you have to forgive and then set yourself back up in an emotionally or physically dangerous situation is not correct. You can forgive someone and move on without ever having a relationship with them again. Forgiveness doesn't mean you put blinders on and not see someone for who they are. Forgiveness is freedom.

Where To Start? Part 4

I graduated. I got the job. I moved Amanda and me 7 hours north into our very first teensy, cinder block, rental house. I was excited about everything that God was going to do and gave that job all I had. I set guidelines to fix every problem that the pastor said they had, I taught new songs, I set practice times- tons of practice time. And I pissed everybody right off. I didn't know what I was doing, exactly. I'd learned how to conduct rehearsals, read music and everything else a minister music should know how to do technically but I didn't learn how to deal with people and change.

Now here's where I feel like I'm teetering on a fine line between being godly and professional. Between explaining what happened and just sounding vindictive. So I'm going to have to go with my gut here. And say that my life there was a living hell. But I'm not going to place blame. I'll accept the responsibility that I didn't do everything right and leave it there. On the recommendation of some godly people that were in my life I didn't defend myself then and I'm not going to now.

About six months into my stay there I was praying during our morning prayer time in the sanctuary and the Lord spoke to me and said, "you're going to meet your husband this weekend". Seriously, just like that? I'd been praying for years about this and God was gracious enough to let me know before it happened. Well, it just so happens that it was a few days before my birthday and I was going to be able to go home for the first time in six months. I had seen a couple of college friends that visited me since I'd been in my new location but other than that I'd only seen my family that visited. I was very excited about a lot of things. First of all, I was going to get to drive on the Interstate! My new city was a-whole-hour from a major interstate so I felt like I'd been dropped off in the middle of nowhere. The area was beautiful but I felt secluded or trapped, however you want to look at it. There were a thousand things I wanted to do when I got home but one of the first things I was going to do was to go to a chapel service at Southeastern. I needed the warm embrace of my Alma Mater. I felt at home again and safe. After chapel I decided I'd pop in and say hi to my voice teacher but on my way to her office I noticed that my piano teacher's car was there and his office came up first so I stopped in there on my way. He was really happy to see me and we jabbered on for a while. Then we heard a knock at the door and he said in a hushed tone "Travis is my next lesson". I answered the door and he was shocked! We hugged and I don't think I've ever been so happy to see someone in my entire life! We all talked and laughed like old times. And Paul (piano teacher) suggested- several times- that Travis and I should go out to lunch. I already had lunch plans with another (guy) friend and said that Travis should come too but he declined- and asked me out for lunch the next day.

So the following day we had lunch at Crisper's and had a great time. I apologized for the way I treated him when we were dating and he said it wasn't necessary. So we parted ways and said we'd catch-up sometime.

Then after just a few short days my trip was over and I was headed back to the new city. Amanda was 8 and had just learned that if you sleep on a trip it makes it go by faster. So while she was sleeping the Holy Spirit was dealing with me. I figured that I was wrong about he whole "meeting my husband thing". But as I was praying I heard the HS say "Travis". I was freaked out a bit figuring I was going crazy so I "rebuked the devil" or something and kept praying. My prayer went something like this.

Amy- praying
HS- Travis
Amy- ahhh!
Amy-praying
HS-Travis

Etc. until I finally said "OK, I'll pray about it!" Now, I was certain that God was speaking to me but I wanted to be very certain that God was telling me to marry him and not that I should donate a kidney or something. So I did pray, and pray, and pray, and pray- for ten days. I wasn't going to take this lightly and I knew that his plan was to move to Nashville to write music and I wasn't going to screw that up for him. So to make a long story short we did get back together, got engaged and did the long-distance thing for about 5 months.

It really helped the situation I was in to have someone on my side. To have someone to vent to and to have someone to pour life into me that was being sucked out by my circumstances. The Amy Island mentality was quickly deteriorating and I was trying to get used to the idea of happily ever after.

Where To Start? Part 3

OK, I'm feeling a sense of urgency to finish this so I think I'll type my little heart out today and you can read it at your leisure.

So, I'm a senior- finally. It was my 6th year in college and I finally had it all together and was going to graduate. Well, after I completed about 25 hours or so and a senior recital. So as I'm on my merry little way determined to graduate, and to do it single, I had a class with someone all of you know- Travis. I had only dated one guy seriously the whole time I was in college and that was the year before. The four years prior to that I was single. I had crushes and was asked out, etc. But I was so terrified of relationships that if I actually made it to the date without canceling then I'd usually freak myself out enough to not do it again. I was also spending a lot of time with the Lord and finding out who I was. There were several times that I set a specific period of time in which I commited to not date. There were eye-rolls and objections of "again!?!" from those close to me but they had no idea where I was coming from. People (friends, professors) told me to "just get married" but seriously, why would I want to step into that hell again? I hadn't ever seen a godly marriage model so I didn't even know why people bothered to get married. I think I wanted to get married someday but I begged God on a regular basis to not let me marry the wrong guy. It was a very, very lonely time in my life.

But back to Travis. I put off one specific class for my entire college career because I didn't really want to take it but it was required. And they only offered it once- in the fall- at 7:30 am- ugh. I hated 7:30 classes and only took them if I had to. Composition and Arranging- seriously, who wants to do that at 7:30 am? But surprise, surprise, who should be in my class but Travis. We'd had classes together before and we usually sat next to each other (except for one semester when I had a boyfriend and he had a crush on someone else) but I knew that this class wasn't required for his major. He chalked his taking the class to his love for writing, which is true, but that wasn't his only motive. I didn't realize that I'd told him the previous spring that I'd be taking C & A in the fall. Which is just one small thing in the long list of things that I'd forget that I'd told him. So he and I started spending time together because neither of us had a class the next period but I had to go to chapel so we'd usually have breakfast together in the cafe and talk about life, relationships and well, do college students talk about anything else? During one conversation I told him he needed to strap on a parachute and just jump out of the plane, of course I didn't really know *I* was the object of his affection. Funny.

He and I kept running into each other more and more often, especially in the MIDI lab. I'm not sure why we called it that but it's where we wrote music for our class assignments. I ran into him there so often that I started thinking we were being set up by God not realizing that I would tell him during the day when I was going. I don't think I found that out until after we were married. Anyway, he *finally* asked me out after about two months of *accidentally* running into each other. We started dating but really, we were just in different spots in our lives. He wanted to not date anyone unless he was sure that he could marry her (me). I wanted to date casually and wasn't ready to settle down. I was laid back, he was uptight. And he was constantly picking stuff off of my clothes- gaaa! So we were off to a rocky start.

For years I had been praying about what to do after I graduated and I was rapidly approaching decision time. My plan was- barring hearing something specific from God- that I would take Amanda on a trip across the country and then I'd start applying to graduate schools. But one day I was praying while I was laying on my bed and I was looking out the window. It was an amazing winter day, the sky was clear and the temperature was mild- and God spoke. Finally, after all the years of college and not knowing exactly why I was doing what I was doing or how I was going to get from where I was to the dreams God was giving me He spoke. And He told me to be a minister of music & to do it by myself. And I said OK. I didn't want to be a minister of music before but it didn't matter because God said do it so I set about trying to get a job. I talked to the professor in the placement office and started working on my resume. And I broke up with Travis. I was focused, determined and goal oriented. I wasn't going to let anything stop me from doing what God called me to do. People were expendable. I didn't go to college to get married I went to college to change my life.

I was still working on getting everything together to send to churches and while I was in the shower one day my Mom knocked on the door and said, "Amy, there's a pastor on the phone for you". Instead of asking to call him back I just jumped out of the shower, threw on a towel and had my first interview to be a music pastor. I was upfront with him about being divorced and having a child and he said, "I'm not concerned about that I just want the person that God wants here". If only he meant that as much as he thought he did.

So I Shouldn't Post When I'm Ticked Off or Grouchy?

No, I shouldn't post when I'm ticked off. Because I just talked with Chloe's teacher and she said that the whole thing was a mistake and that a letter should have never been sent home. She was merely asking for guidance from her peers for tips to help Chloe hold her pencil correctly and the guidance counselor misunderstood and thought that she was saying that Chloe might need *occupational therapy*. I don't think I mentioned that last night. I explained (calmly again) to her teacher that I felt blind-sided and she understood and said that she would have too. It was especially difficult to deal with last night because that day I was very happy about how well Chloe was doing in school- finally. She wasn't crying anymore and saying that she wanted to stay home. Her teacher confirmed that she is doing very well and the pencil thing isn't even a *huge* deal but is something that she works on with her for time to time. OK, I can move on now.