Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Taking a Step Back
I just wanted to let the people that read my blog know that I'm taking a step back for a while. I'm not going to go into all the reasons or the particulars of what's going on in my life because I'm just not. I find that if you spill your guts in general, people don't really understand unless they've walked in your shoes. It's not that they don't want to but they can't understand. I understand a lot more than I did when we moved here. I can see pain in peoples eyes and the worry behind their furrowed brow even when they're trying to smile and I feel it with them. I think that's a gift that I take away from these last 8 years. I'm not complaining or asking for advice or wanting someone to come up with some magical solution for a very vague thing I'm talking about. We're just in a spot that we won't get out of without divine intervention. I believe in divine intervention but I can't be brave today. I'm sick. Actually I'm possibly more sick than I thought I was. My Dr. thinks I have insulin resistance or diabetes. But I can't find out for sure because I can't take the blood test until I'm not sick and I'm sick for the 4th straight week. It's supposed to not be a big deal. And I was really OK until I read online that stress is one of the causes of insulin resistance. I'm not having a crisis of faith- I've had that already. Years ago when this whole trial by fire thing started, it caused me to question everything I believed. And I found out that what I believed is more of a wishful thinking theology than a Bible inspired one. A theology that says 'because we're Christians we're immune to all of the troubles that the rest of people face and God will work out everything perfectly every-single-time'. Where is the faith building in that? Yes, God did part the Red Sea- but he only did it once. OK, and the Jordan River that time but those were pretty important once in a lifetime type things. But I can't even let myself ask those questions today because I think I'm mad. I'm angry that I'm sick, I'm angry that I'm not stronger. I'm angry that I'm sitting my behind on the couch every-single-day watching life go by and I'm avoiding stress like the plague. My husband can't even talk to me about where we're at because I might get stressed and be sick for longer so he has to shoulder this alone. I can't even pray because it's going to be one of those mad crying prayers and I just can't deal with it. I don't know where I'm at or what the point is. And what I really, really don't want to hear is how I should look on the bright side. After all I have a beautiful family and a wonderful husband that worships the ground I walk on and it's not like my legs have fallen off or anything. Yes, I'm grateful that my legs haven't fallen off. But my biggest peeve when someone is struggling is for the bright side to be pointed out. Yes, there are aspects of my life that are absolutely wonderful. But if I'm not allowed to voice my pain about the aspects that aren't, then it trivializes the hard times that we have gone through and are going through now. I have a beautiful family that I am so incredibly thankful for. I have a husband that in a million years I never thought anyone could love me as much as he does. I didn't even believe in love or trust or happily ever after before I met him. I still don't believe in happily ever after-life is way too real for that. I think God just gives you the grace to walk through it together. Pastor Dale said this past Sunday that we shouldn't pray for an easy life, we should pray for great grace to get through it. I'm not there and I can't pray that today. I'm not being brave or noble or strong. I just need a break. I feel like I'm at the end of myself and I don't know which end is up or what to do. So I'm taking some time off. I'm not going to blog for a while- I don't know how long. Thinking of something witty or interesting or important or creative is just too much right now. If I post something theological and thought provoking it has to be because that's where I'm at. And if I post something creative and cute and home themed, it needs to be because that's where I'm at. I start to feel pressure to write something if I haven't for a few days and I'm letting it go. I still want to read your blogs and know what's happening in your lives I just want to unplug for a while. So, yeah, I guess I'm done.