Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Back From the Edge

I'm feeling better today. My emotions are less raw and I'm OK. My grandma passed away the Friday before Thanksgiving so we were able to go to Birmingham this past week. Her death hit me harder than I thought it would. And I'm going to refrain from doing my usual 'but that's OK because she's better off'... or something like that. Death sucks and I miss my grandma. I miss my grandpa too and my maternal grandma that died when I was 16. I've done a lot of soul searching lately and I've come to a few conclusions. During worship this past Sunday, while I was crying about my grandma again, it hit me- I don't have anything to prove. I don't have to be the bestest mom in the whole world (even though I want to be) or the best wife or the most amazing singer or a gourmet chef or anything else that I've taken up. I can just be Amy and do things the way I do them and just be.

The second conclusion came during my shower yesterday. About two months ago I was praying and during that prayer time I was asking the Lord about some things and not really liking the answer I was getting. Then I heard the Lord say very clearly "run it out, finish strong". I was talking to him about our circumstances and he was telling me to finish strong. I was very excited. But in finishing this, in running it out I've realized that I don't have the strength to do it. I'm a strong person, I don't think anyone that knows me would debate that. But what if finishing strong is admitting that you're weak? That you're too weak to keep running and you just can't do it? Yesterday I did admit that I just couldn't do it, that I'm not strong enough and then I saw a picture of Jesus taking me on his back and running the rest of the way for me. Maybe finishing strong is finally letting go and letting Christ be strength for me.

The third conclusion is that I need to rest. I don't mean sleep, I get plenty of that, I mean rest from trials. Will that happen? Yes. I know it will because God has promised a season of rest to my family and I believe Him. Until then I'm doing my best to rest in Him, Matt. 11:28-29 "Come to me, all you who are weary an dburdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." That's the rest I'm talking about and that's what my whole family needs. I can't change my circumstances but I can rest in Him and trust that he's taking care of everything and that every single thing that He's promised to us will come to pass.

The last thing is that I am so very thankful for the amazing people that God has placed in my life. After my first marriage debacle, I begged God to not let me screw up again. It meant 4 straight years of singleness (because some people just shouldn't date) but God gave me the most amazing, wonderful husband that I could ever hope to have. He is my calm head in the storm. He has talked me down from many a ledge and I would not be who I am without him. I have 3 beautiful, amazing, loving daughters. I never could have imagined the joy that they would bring to me or that I could have a wonderful relationship with 3 spunky, fiesty, passionate girls, but I do and I wouldn't trade for anything in this world. I have friends that have been there for me and for us for forever and when I completely lose my cool and need to take a step back they're there for me- even if I don't feel like talking. Yes, I'm talking about you guys. Even if I only know you in bloggy land, I'm still thankful. I'm thankful for my parents and long walks in the woods on Thanksgiving day and for my brother who drove 10 hours each way just to see me and the girls (he didn't say Trav but I'm sure he meant Trav too). Death has been a constant companion in the last year and a half for he and his family so he didn't want to deal with another funeral but he came to Birmingham to be there for us. I'm thankful for my family by marriage that love us so much. And I'm thankful to be in the spot that I am today, tears and all. I'm not the same person that I was when I came here and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

And now I'm going to go make some chocolate milk for my incredibly patient 3 year old. That is what my life is about today and I'm happy with that.

7 comments:

Mary said...

I love how simple and how complex God is...I'm glad the edge didn't throw you off and I'm glad you could share all the good stuff your bringing back with you.

I get shivers when I hear what God is doing in you and your family. Someday you'll write the book version (which Travis will edit of course) and we'll all buy copies and want your autograph.

Christy said...

What if finishing strong means finishing with your self intact? I mean...just finishing, having kept your heart soft and breakable, but still in one piece because you have had the incredible strength it takes to trust Jesus with it?
I'm so sorry about your Grandma, and yeah - it sucks. I agree. No platitude in the world can really soothe that ache.
I'm so glad to hear your "voice" again - I've missed you :)

Tisra said...

I love you and am so pleased to know plain ol' Amy. I know that it hurts to missing your grandma and to walk the journey you've been walking for so long. You will finish strong. You will.

Tracy Mock said...

Even in your mourning and your time of weakness that you are feeling you are ministering through your blogging probly when you dont even realize it. Death is hard (experiencing it with my first Grand parent to pass this year) its not easy. It is going to hit you at the strangest times, so embrace it when it comes, and laugh out loud when you think of something funny about them. Talk about them, look at their photos, and keep that anticipation that your will see them waiting for you waving when we all get to Glory. I love you girl and I think your just a beautiful mess! (all in a good way of course haahaa!) Keep resting in him and enjoy your piggy back ride!

Julia @ Hooked on Houses said...

Amy, I'm so behind on my blog reading that I didn't know you were going through all of this! I'm so sorry.

Wish I could give you a hug. Hang in there--hope you feel better soon!! xo - Julia

Ms. Tee said...

I'm so sorry about your grandmother. That's comforting that your brother could come and be with you during that time.
Hugs to you~

Joyce said...

Amy, I just caught up on the last few blogs and tried to comment but Blogger wasn't accepting me and that's what frustrated me to begin with....So, I don't know if this comment will go through or not...No one can say that they know what you are going through but you have the grace and courage to tell it like it is...I have been struggling for years and quite honestly, withdrawing from life at times because other than Doug, I have no one to be real with...I love you and feel a special connection with you that goes beyond the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law family thing...Somehow I feel I can talk to you and I am not afraid...Afraid of what, I am not sure...I guess it has been my experience that sharing oneself can be dangerous...I know Travis was right when he said "Mom, you never will be good enough, that's why you need Jesus"...Now that was said in the context of me feeling like I never measure up...like I can't fulfill what is inside me...
I feel I am babbling when this is about you not me...I just wanted to say "Thank you" for our conversation the other day, you helped me to begin again...