I'm feeling better today. My emotions are less raw and I'm OK. My grandma passed away the Friday before Thanksgiving so we were able to go to Birmingham this past week. Her death hit me harder than I thought it would. And I'm going to refrain from doing my usual 'but that's OK because she's better off'... or something like that. Death sucks and I miss my grandma. I miss my grandpa too and my maternal grandma that died when I was 16. I've done a lot of soul searching lately and I've come to a few conclusions. During worship this past Sunday, while I was crying about my grandma again, it hit me- I don't have anything to prove. I don't have to be the bestest mom in the whole world (even though I want to be) or the best wife or the most amazing singer or a gourmet chef or anything else that I've taken up. I can just be Amy and do things the way I do them and just be.
The second conclusion came during my shower yesterday. About two months ago I was praying and during that prayer time I was asking the Lord about some things and not really liking the answer I was getting. Then I heard the Lord say very clearly "run it out, finish strong". I was talking to him about our circumstances and he was telling me to finish strong. I was very excited. But in finishing this, in running it out I've realized that I don't have the strength to do it. I'm a strong person, I don't think anyone that knows me would debate that. But what if finishing strong is admitting that you're weak? That you're too weak to keep running and you just can't do it? Yesterday I did admit that I just couldn't do it, that I'm not strong enough and then I saw a picture of Jesus taking me on his back and running the rest of the way for me. Maybe finishing strong is finally letting go and letting Christ be strength for me.
The third conclusion is that I need to rest. I don't mean sleep, I get plenty of that, I mean rest from trials. Will that happen? Yes. I know it will because God has promised a season of rest to my family and I believe Him. Until then I'm doing my best to rest in Him, Matt. 11:28-29 "Come to me, all you who are weary an dburdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." That's the rest I'm talking about and that's what my whole family needs. I can't change my circumstances but I can rest in Him and trust that he's taking care of everything and that every single thing that He's promised to us will come to pass.
The last thing is that I am so very thankful for the amazing people that God has placed in my life. After my first marriage debacle, I begged God to not let me screw up again. It meant 4 straight years of singleness (because some people just shouldn't date) but God gave me the most amazing, wonderful husband that I could ever hope to have. He is my calm head in the storm. He has talked me down from many a ledge and I would not be who I am without him. I have 3 beautiful, amazing, loving daughters. I never could have imagined the joy that they would bring to me or that I could have a wonderful relationship with 3 spunky, fiesty, passionate girls, but I do and I wouldn't trade for anything in this world. I have friends that have been there for me and for us for forever and when I completely lose my cool and need to take a step back they're there for me- even if I don't feel like talking. Yes, I'm talking about you guys. Even if I only know you in bloggy land, I'm still thankful. I'm thankful for my parents and long walks in the woods on Thanksgiving day and for my brother who drove 10 hours each way just to see me and the girls (he didn't say Trav but I'm sure he meant Trav too). Death has been a constant companion in the last year and a half for he and his family so he didn't want to deal with another funeral but he came to Birmingham to be there for us. I'm thankful for my family by marriage that love us so much. And I'm thankful to be in the spot that I am today, tears and all. I'm not the same person that I was when I came here and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
And now I'm going to go make some chocolate milk for my incredibly patient 3 year old. That is what my life is about today and I'm happy with that.