Taking a Step Back

I just wanted to let the people that read my blog know that I'm taking a step back for a while. I'm not going to go into all the reasons or the particulars of what's going on in my life because I'm just not. I find that if you spill your guts in general, people don't really understand unless they've walked in your shoes. It's not that they don't want to but they can't understand. I understand a lot more than I did when we moved here. I can see pain in peoples eyes and the worry behind their furrowed brow even when they're trying to smile and I feel it with them. I think that's a gift that I take away from these last 8 years. I'm not complaining or asking for advice or wanting someone to come up with some magical solution for a very vague thing I'm talking about. We're just in a spot that we won't get out of without divine intervention. I believe in divine intervention but I can't be brave today. I'm sick. Actually I'm possibly more sick than I thought I was. My Dr. thinks I have insulin resistance or diabetes. But I can't find out for sure because I can't take the blood test until I'm not sick and I'm sick for the 4th straight week. It's supposed to not be a big deal. And I was really OK until I read online that stress is one of the causes of insulin resistance. I'm not having a crisis of faith- I've had that already. Years ago when this whole trial by fire thing started, it caused me to question everything I believed. And I found out that what I believed is more of a wishful thinking theology than a Bible inspired one. A theology that says 'because we're Christians we're immune to all of the troubles that the rest of people face and God will work out everything perfectly every-single-time'. Where is the faith building in that? Yes, God did part the Red Sea- but he only did it once. OK, and the Jordan River that time but those were pretty important once in a lifetime type things. But I can't even let myself ask those questions today because I think I'm mad. I'm angry that I'm sick, I'm angry that I'm not stronger. I'm angry that I'm sitting my behind on the couch every-single-day watching life go by and I'm avoiding stress like the plague. My husband can't even talk to me about where we're at because I might get stressed and be sick for longer so he has to shoulder this alone. I can't even pray because it's going to be one of those mad crying prayers and I just can't deal with it. I don't know where I'm at or what the point is. And what I really, really don't want to hear is how I should look on the bright side. After all I have a beautiful family and a wonderful husband that worships the ground I walk on and it's not like my legs have fallen off or anything. Yes, I'm grateful that my legs haven't fallen off. But my biggest peeve when someone is struggling is for the bright side to be pointed out. Yes, there are aspects of my life that are absolutely wonderful. But if I'm not allowed to voice my pain about the aspects that aren't, then it trivializes the hard times that we have gone through and are going through now. I have a beautiful family that I am so incredibly thankful for. I have a husband that in a million years I never thought anyone could love me as much as he does. I didn't even believe in love or trust or happily ever after before I met him. I still don't believe in happily ever after-life is way too real for that. I think God just gives you the grace to walk through it together. Pastor Dale said this past Sunday that we shouldn't pray for an easy life, we should pray for great grace to get through it. I'm not there and I can't pray that today. I'm not being brave or noble or strong. I just need a break. I feel like I'm at the end of myself and I don't know which end is up or what to do. So I'm taking some time off. I'm not going to blog for a while- I don't know how long. Thinking of something witty or interesting or important or creative is just too much right now. If I post something theological and thought provoking it has to be because that's where I'm at. And if I post something creative and cute and home themed, it needs to be because that's where I'm at. I start to feel pressure to write something if I haven't for a few days and I'm letting it go. I still want to read your blogs and know what's happening in your lives I just want to unplug for a while. So, yeah, I guess I'm done.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Thank you all for your kind comments on my last post and for the prayers too because I felt so-much-better yesterday. And I feel even better today. My birthday was fabulous, even on a Wednesday, and with no cake. I hadn't quite gotten my appetite back and though I was ravenously hungry at lunch, I couldn't muster up enough of an appetite for cake later. Sooo, on with the birthday recounting of how fabulous my family is.

Travis took the day off which was fortunate since I'd made a Dr.'s appointment. You know *the* Dr.'s appt. Why would I do such a thing you ask? Well, because when they asked me if Wednesday the 12th would work I forgot that it was my birthday. Actually, when I was filling out all the new patient info. I had to keep writing the date and at one point I filled in the date with my birth year- very confusing. But on my way to the Dr. I snapped this picture while I was driving. It's the only autumn leaves picture I've gotten so far. Travis was going to pull over and let me get some shots on the way to lunch but I was *really* hungry for the first time in three weeks so I opted for food instead. And my sweet husband that knows me so well took us out for BBQ at Famous Dave's. No it's not high class and fussy but my man knows I love good BBQ. Of course, it helps that he loves BBQ and if you gave Amanda some barbecue sauce she'd probably just take a bite out of a cow. She's tiny but she's a carnivore. My present from my parents and Trav are passes to the Nashville Zoo that I love so much. My passes expired about a year ago and we hadn't renewed so it will be nice to be able to take the kiddos to the zoo again. The plan is to go this Saturday and possibly have some friends go with us- and then cake. I figure I'll probably want cake by Saturday. I *love* birthday cake. Actual, real birthday cake from Publix. But the other people in my house prefer things like cheesecake or flan or strawberry pink cake so I only get it on my birthday- I'm getting some birthday cake. My present from my beautiful daughter, Amanda was shopping. Yes, shopping. She knows me so well. She bought a gift card to Starbuck's so I could get a coffee and a gift card to Yankee Candle, Bath and Body Works, and Aerie. So not only could I go shopping, I could actually buy stuff. I got a pumpkin spice candle that I plan on burning every second of every day until Thanksgiving. Then it's Cranberry Chutney- which I didn't buy but I'm certain that I can arrange to have one after Thanksgiving since Travis loves it as much as I do. As we were walking through the mall, when I headed into stores that Amanda would typically give me a hard time about, all I had to say was "it's my birthday" and it was like a get out of whining free pass. So awesome! In Pottery Barn she made fun of all the furry critter Christmas ornaments (I don't get the appeal but I guess if you're going country) *but* we found something she liked- nay loved- there. It was the best day of my life! OK, I'm being a little melodramatic- but she loved a floor lamp called photographer's tripod floor lamp. It probably helped that I did the whole "lights, camera, action!" thing when I showed it to her. She squealed with delight and has requested it for her bedroom.

I didn't use my get out of whining free card to go into William's Sonoma because they were cooking and my appetite left again and it smelled awful- to me- I'm sure the food was amazing and if you were hungry you'd love it. I held on to the Aerie gift card because I didn't find anything I couldn't live without- I thought all the PJ bottoms were ugly.

All in all it was a wonderful day and I'm really looking forward to Saturday. It wasn't a *huge* elaborate production but the people that I love the most put a lot of thought into what would make my day special and I got to spend it with them. I'm a very blessed woman.

Focus

I realize that Christy's last post was titled focus but this is a different kind of focus. I'm still sick this has been 3 weeks of the sickest I've been in recent memory. I know I get sick a lot but I had a good run of at least 6 sick free weeks this summer. I'm really over it. Or I want to be over it. The leaves are falling off the trees at an alarming rate and I'm missing it. I just want to walk downtown and get some great pictures of autumn before it's gone and we have 4 long months of no leaves on anything. I also want to make caramel covered apples with the girls. And finish up Kyleigh's presents so I can send them to her (painting is done- I'm the worst sewer on the planet, so blocks aren't done).

My birthday is Wednesday and my husband took the day off and wants to go to the zoo and I want to be able to walk around the zoo without passing out. So I'm focusing. I've been praying and God has been most insistent that I take an opportunity to rest. The last time he was this insistent about something we moved from Birmingham to Nashville in the span of a week- actually it might have been more like two days. Travis got a job and the girls and I left a couple of days later. Anyway, I don't want to have a heart attack or anything so I'm clearing my plate. I'm going to take care of my husband, our daughters and do choir and life group- and that's it. I'm not going to embroider stockings for the two new cats, or my husband or two daughters that I haven't made stockings for. Last year, it was because Halle and Sophie (cat) didn't have stockings and I was trying to save money. Everybody else has a stocking and even though they don't match and I don't like them anymore, they're staying. I'm not crafting any type of present thing for anybody this year. Last year, I worked up until about Dec. 20th trying to get everyone's present done. I didn't spend much time with the girls and missed a big chunk of Chloe's break. We didn't bake cookies until scarily close to Christmas and I didn't finish the presents and ended up buying something anyway.

I am going to (as soon as I'm not sick anymore) take Halle to the park. And we'll walk downtown and look at trees and shops and pick up a hot chocolate from Starbucks. I'm going to ask for help when I need it and quit trying to be super mom. I'm going to quit stressing about every tiny little detail of my life and stop worrying that if I screw up one little thing that God's plan for my life is completely ruined (that's actually a really, really big one. That says something about trust, doesn't it?). I'm going to enjoy this amazing season and not worry about what's around the corner. And I'm going to make this drink. We had a life group get together with our new life group this past Saturday and the hostess made this tea. She served it warm instead of iced and it was amazing. The girls and I will make cookies and I'm going to chill. And that's it.

Catch-Up

I think I'm behind about 3 blog posts now. But I've been really sick for the last few days and haven't had the strength to do much more than watch full episodes of HGTV shows online. Ooh, did I mention that you can watch full episodes of HGTV shows online? I don't usually take the opportunity to watch unless I'm working out or sick, so needless to say I watched *a lot* of HGTV this weekend. I always feel guilty for not paying attention to the girls and leaving Trav to do all of the kid related work. But sleeping helped and I'm able to walk around today- thankfully.

So, in catching up news:

Chloe's class party was this past Friday and it was completely chaotic. I had it planned out and delegated but when it came to party time two of the moms showed up late. That's *half* of the party that showed up late. Fortunately a mom that wasn't on the list of helpers came and brought a snack and helped with our game. So instead of having a group of 5 kids at each station we had half the class at one table and the other half playing a game. They didn't rotate after a certain amount of time and just bounced all over the place. But on the bright side kids like for things to be chaotic, my party is over for the year so I don't have to worry about it anymore *and* I was wearing a new pair of jeans one size smaller that fit perfectly so it almost doesn't matter, right? But you'd like to see pics of the festivities wouldn't you?

This is what happens when you let the kiddos decorate their own cookies- a frosting mountain that made this little guy sick. He couldn't finish it and had to get some water.

The girls were much more restrained in the amount of frosting- and they made much less of a mess.

Chloe was *super* excited that I was the mom "in charge". She talked the night before about my in charge-ness. And Halle was a perfect little angel- even Chloe's teacher commented on how good she was.This is "pin the nose on the scarecrow". Easy peasy and quite the crowd pleaser.And the only quiet moment of the whole party was when Chloe's teacher sat everyone down to read a story. Later that night we took the kiddos to the mall (they weren't even in costumes) to get some candy. Every year I think about taking them down main street to the historic homes because a lot of the homes have candy and special stuff. One house was showing episodes of the Muensters outside on a big screen and another house sets up a pumpkin house in their garage. I don't know what's in there but it looks like fun. Maybe we'll do it next year.

In other news- here's the little kitten I rescued a couple of weeks ago. I had just walked out the front door to get Chloe from school when I heard a meow. I looked over and saw the tiniest furball I think I'd ever seen, sitting at the corner of the next door neighbors house. As tiny as he was and with as many stray cats as we have in our neighborhood I was certain that this was a kitten rescue and not me stealing my next door neighbors kitten. He ran away from me and hid under some bushes so I knocked on Amanda's window and said "get out here now"! She ran outside, hurting her knee in the process (but it's nice that my kid just ran outside because I told her to) and went into kitten rescue mode. I pulled him out of the bushes, we took him inside and Amanda started making phone calls. One to happy tales humane center to see if they could take him and then one to the vet to see what to do. I had to leave to get Chloe but got a tearful call from Amanda while I was waiting. She asked me to pray for the kitten because she was afraid he'd die. After school was out we raced to the vet and found out that he was about 4 weeks old and that he was dehydrated- good to know that we hadn't hijacked a kitten that was being well cared for by his mommy. We'd need to bottle feed him and help him, um, "go" to the bathroom. I'm not going to write about that because it's icky but thankfully we only did that for a couple of days. He was so scrawny his backbone, ribs and hipbones were protruding (although you couldn't see them under all that fur). But after two weeks at the Button casa he's a chubby little kitty that loves to eat and chases our two bigger cats through the house. And his name is Phoenix. We weren't sure if we'd keep him at first but some things are just meant to be. So we have our first boy kitty and Travis has some male company.

OK, seriously, isn't he cute?

I don't remember what the third thing was that I had to blog about. Oh, I think it was Open House Tuesday, but that's just going to have to wait.