Thoughts...

We made it. Thankfully. I spent the last hour of the drive reading things from Laugh Break to Trav. We were laughing so hard- even Amanda, who was laying in the back seat with a fever. I think my favorite was this one. And I should have expected that the end of this trip would leave me very introspective. I think we have resolved some things though. The first thing is that McDonald's is never, ever an eating option again. I know, life changing, right? And the second thing is that Lakeland is the place we want to be. It's the only place we're looking right now. The job market in Lakeland isn't huge- but we only need 1 job. The location might not seem like much of a revelation but we've been very unsure of where we'd end up. But after spending so much time with my brother and his family and Trav's brother and his family we're certain that it's where we want to be. During the last 6 months I've expected God to just say 'this is where you're going to be' clearly but He hasn't. That's new territory for me. But when we were there I think we both just knew that's where we'd be. I suppose that could change but I'm not really expecting it to.

We drove a lot on this trip- 2,727 miles to be exact. It's less than 800 miles to Lakeland. But we drove to Kissimmee several times (that's actually where Disney and most attractions are, not Orlando) to be with Amanda plus over to the coast a couple of times and to visit grandparents...lotsa driving I tell you. But I had an opportunity to talk to my 16 year old nephew who is going through a lot right now. Things are happening there now that we need to be there for. And our kids had the opportunity to play with their cousins- all of them. It was heartwarming and beautiful and if God called us there for no other reason than for our family I think that's enough.

So where do we go from here? I'm not sure. Travis was able to meet some people that work with his brother and his resume is in there. I think it's always good to have a face with a resume. I ran into an old friend from college (he just moved back to Lakeland that week) and he suggested looking at our alma mater- d'oh, didn't think of that. And we'll just see what happens. There is the little matter of the house. I don't know what to do about that except fix the little things that we can for now. I think I'm going to paint everything very soon. I've tried stripping the varnish off of the kitchen cabinets and it really gunks up the sand paper- we'll see how that goes. And just see what God does. I do feel refreshed and re-energized on that front so maybe I can make some real progress. That would be nice.

I'm also struggling a bit with Chloe going back to school on Thursday. I really don't feel ready to let her go; it's gone by so quickly. But I guess if I have house stuff to work on, it's better for her to be in school than stuck inside the house watching TV while I work. Oh, and the car issue? Travis made a bunch of phone calls and found one place that could work on our car before we left. He and I drove there on Thursday and as we passed by I got a sick feeling in my stomach- and so did he. So we came home, prayed and felt like we should wait. We weren't sure what we were waiting for and we had to leave on Saturday. It didn't make any sense but we did it anyway. That afternoon I went to Target and the check engine light was still on (if you don't remember two different people told us it was a transmission issue) and when I came out it was off. I was a little nervous and expected it to come back on but it never did. We drove the aforementioned 2,727 miles and the car was completely fine. God knows so much more than we do and I'm thankful for that. I'm really looking forward to what He's going to do. And I promise that I'll share a synopsis at least and pictures from the trip soon. But they're all on Facebook if you *really* want to see them all ;-)

She Cracked the Rules!

Last night Halle was wailing- loudly. I knew she wasn't hurt because it was her angry cry. Travis went to investigate and Halle wailed "she cracked the rules" at the top of her lungs. Travis said "what?" clearly confused and Chloe said nonchalantly "she means I broke the rules, that's how she says it". Very funny.

So we're 3 days out from our trip and we have transmission trouble. We know a guy that just put brakes on our other vehicle and he took a look at our main van and said there's absolutely no way we could drive to Florida with it as it is. He said it's a something or other but if we fix it now we won't have to have the transmission rebuilt- good to know. But we haven't been able to get it fixed because we can't get in touch with him- because he has to talk to somebody...and we're running out of time. He fixed the brakes on Trav's van but it took two days. And that was for brakes. I'm no mechanic but it seems like a transmission is harder to get to- being in the front of the car with the engine and all. Hmmm. I think it's going to be interesting to see how this plays out. Thankfully Travis handles the car stuff. And God has it all under control. I wouldn't say I'm nervous- just curious. Ok, and really excited because I know that God has some big things in store for us. So right now it looks like the bottom is falling out- two big car repairs in the last two weeks and we absolutely refuse to use credit cards for anything. We've drawn a line in the sand so to speak. But things aren't always as they appear. 2 Kings chapter 7. We're leaving Saturday. And everything that God has purposed for us for this trip will be accomplished.

La-de-da

This past weekend was a pretty eventful one. Valentine's Day was low-key and that's fine with me. When I was a kid Valentine's Day usually involved a heart shaped box of chocolates and a stuffed animal of some sort. My parents probably went out for dinner, but I can't remember. And I find that the holidays that weren't huge at my house when I was younger, usually isn't as big of a deal at the Button casa. Trav and I had a few hours out but it was kind of lame on the Ooh and Ahh-o-meter. I don't really mind lame things that much usually and had a great time just being out.

Amanda had a big thing though. She auditioned for an acting thing and was invited to go to a super-big, high-falutin' acting thing in June- in Orlando! Apparently this is *the place* to meet agents and directors and such that you could not get an audience with otherwise. She prayed about it and we prayed about it and even though the cost is going to be really, really high, we know that this is the thing she's supposed to do. So my daughter has dropped out of college to become an actor...and I'm encouraging it. Funny.

Oh, and you probably should know that the insurance adjuster came out this morning and said that we do, in fact, need a new roof that they will be mostly paying for. The window guy came out this morning and installed a new window in our bedroom- finally. I can actually see Westhaven from my window now. Trav's van is fixed- and it took amazingly little money to fix it. And I'm thankful.

So on to the crafty stuff. I've finished block #2 of Kyleigh's- sans bells. I watched Holiday Inn last night while I was hand-stitching it and forgot to put the bells in. Which I was reminded of by Halle, Travis and Amanda. Bummer.

And I decided to go a different direction with one of those frames I bought. I mixed a little bit of white artist acrylic paint (the amount shown was *way* too much) with a really wet brush and brushed it over the frame. Easy peasy.

The watered down paint pooled nicely in the grooves while still coating a lot of the frame itself.

Then I took the black ribbon off and switched it for this nice brown and blue one. Beachy, no? Ignore the palm tree-ish things inside. It was an experiment with masking fluid gone awry. I'm pretty sure that I can do better than that, which is why I haven't let Travis take this one to work.

And just for giggles, here's a shot of the gutter that was blown off the house. If you look closely you can see a shingle stuck in the bushes. That was some wind we had last week, wasn't it? When that nasty rain storm that was part of it came through our area I was stuck in car line waiting for Chloe. I got a bit nervous at one point and was thinking about tornadoes, not realizing that the school had apparently gotten some sort of tornado warning. I probably should have turned the radio on. But I was busy reading my very first issue of Coastal Living- and I love it.

Oh, and one more tidbit before I sign off. If you have time you should totally take this quiz. Yes, it's another one about style but I really liked it. I scored 33% Nantucket Style, 33% Cottage Chic and 34% Modern Elegance. I thought it pretty much nailed the looks that I really like. So have fun with that one. I didn't think I had much to write about but sometimes once I get started I just don't stop. So I'll stop now.

From Zero to Discouraged in 2.4 Seconds

My mind has been swirling since last night about what to write today. Sometimes it's just hard to get the thoughts going but I'll do my best. Trav and I have been through a lot in the last several years (I think I've heard that somewhere before) and it has become clear to me that it has been a faith building exercise. Maybe one day I'll outline my argument for God bringing hard times into your life. Yes, I believe that even though it flies in the face of several mainline denominations stance on, well, God. That God is all flowers and sunshine and would never, ever want us to go through anything remotely difficult much less make them difficult for us. Even though all throughout the old testament God tells Moses that He is testing the Israelites. But I'm not talking about that today because I haven't formulated my whole stance on it. And if you're going to make an argument like that you have to be able to defend it. Moving on.

Faith. We've come a long way since we first moved here and I was hyperventilating because we couldn't pay our bills. Seriously, hyperventilating. That's how terrifying it was to me. It's now several years later and I can see impending doom- like our mortgage about to adjust to a higher rate that we cannot afford to pay- and say, eh. OK, whatever, God will either a). make a way for us to refinance this thing or b). He'll make a way for us to pay the higher payment or c). we'll lose our house. C) sounds bad but at least I wouldn't have to put a new bathroom in it. I'm kidding. But throughout that whole refinancing process I barely batted an eye, didn't even come remotely close to worrying, and never, ever lost a night's sleep in the process. Even though we talked to several mortgage people that said they couldn't help. I was faced with losing my house and it did not move me.

Now, lest you think I'm bragging I'll fast forward to Tuesday (or rewind- whichever way you want to look at it). Travis car has pretty much died. The tires are completely worn out, it doesn't always shift into gear so sometimes he has to turn it off and then on again *while he's driving on the interstate*! And the less important thing is that it's 14 years old and smells like dirty feet- it used to be my dad's work van- and has no A/C. So Tuesday, we're praying and figuring, figuring, figuring and came to the conclusion that we cannot buy another car. It would make things too tight. Like miserably tight. Then I took a quick trip to the bank and a guy was hitchhiking in my neighborhood. I wasn't about to stop and pick him up and drove past him. He apparently didn't like that and swung at my van and started yelling at me. Earlier when I was in car line waiting for Chloe two things came to me 1. was that God had this all worked out and 2. was a really, really bad feeling. The bad feeling left after I didn't pick that guy up. But it was enough to knock the wind out of my sails and make me want to curl up in bed and cry.

Wednesday I woke up feeling better and then during the wind storm (?) one of our gutters blew off and exposed some rotting on the roof line and some shingles have been blown off. So Trav and I started talking about what the insurance company might do and whatever it is there is a $1,000 dollar deductible and blah, blah, blah and immediately my mood went to discouraged and my thoughts to "I can't take this anymore". Yes, I had two crummy days. Two crummy days that I wasn't expecting which led to my humanity taking over instead of faith rising up to say "God has this too". I'm not beating myself up or anything like that. My thoughts are just that in some circumstances- apparently the far off things that I can see- I can say, 'no problem, God will take care of it, I'm not worried'. And the surprises make me depressed and I want to curl up in bed and cry.

We were scheduled to lead worship for Life Group last night and when I was praying all week I felt a sense of diving purpose for us in that. As I sang through the first song I felt like I needed to share all of that and went into the second song not even thinking about what song it was. After the first verse I started sharing all of this that I've just shared with you and declared that my crummy mood wasn't going to affect my worship to the creator of the universe. Then I realized what the song was- Mighty to Save. "Saviour, He can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, mighty to save". We picked that song weeks ago and I was singing it and not even thinking about it but God knew.

Later, we broke up into small groups of three and since I'd shared about my crummy two days one of the ladies said, "OK, so what's wrong" and I shared about my awful, crummy, blah, blah, blah. But I also shared about being called to go back home and how it came about and I was so surprised that they were really interested and cared and were excited for me. Then we continued to talk and I found out that this same person was facing really tough financial times too and she had the same questions I had at the beginning of our whole journey. "Why is this happening? Am I sinning? It isn't supposed to be this way"! And I was able to share with her a little bit about it building faith and that it's a season, not forever, even though it feels that way. Then we talked to the couple that host life group and we were able to talk about being called home and he was really encouraging and seemed happy for us and I can't even tell you how much it means to me to be able to talk about it. Because I'm excited and am looking forward to God fulfilling that in our lives.

Then on the way home, we stopped at our former life group leaders house to pick up Amanda (we left and she stayed) and both of our former leaders came out and talked to the little kiddos and hugged us and told us how much they missed us. And Marianne talked on and on about how precious Amanda is and how much God has done in her life in the last few months and how much she loves her. Then she talked about how exciting it is that God has called us home and was so happy for us. And I was able to tell her what was in my heart and that I feel like God has restoration in store for our family. Which she said was exactly what Pastor Dale is talking about right now.

When we left their house I was so very encouraged and excited about everything that God had done. Yes, the other stuff is still there but whatever. We'll figure it out, God has is under control and there's no reason for me to worry and be depressed. So yes, I can go from zero to discouraged in 2.4 seconds but God is there to meet me in those times because he loves me so much. He's not condemning but is there to encourage me and to give me a big hug through his people. And I am very thankful.

Convergence

A few days ago I was praying and in that time the Lord showed me several things that I needed to lay down. And as I was working through all that I saw a very clear picture in my mind of all of the paths of our lives coming together and converging into one straight path and purpose.

In the old testament when the Israelites miraculously crossed the Jordan river they took 12 stones from the river and set it up as a monument to what God had done in their lives so that when they looked at it they would remember everything God had done for them. And last night I felt very impressed that I should paint a picture of what I'd seen. So here is Convergence.

Since it is symbolic I'll explain it to you. The background is clearly a rainbow which signifies God's promises to us upon which our journey is built. The black at the bottom of the rainbow signifies death and sin and everything that God saved us from. The rainbow is in a particular order and signifies the order in God's kingdom that is constant. The lines going upward signify our lives and the different paths that we've taken. There seems to be no order in the color of these lines and that indicates our lack of understanding and seeming disorder of our lives. The yellow/orange indicates the fire of God that propelled and also guided us from within and the yellow outer layer signifies the hand/power/provision of God that kept us on a path that to us was uncertain. Then the colors converge into one clear path of our destiny still surrounded by the hand/power/provision of almighty God. I hope this ministers to you as it has to me. I have often thought that I'd like to set up a monument to what God has done but thought that setting up a rock altar would be impractical at best. But this is something that will hang in our home as a constant testament to God's goodness, his faithfulness, his provision and his greatness.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

It is beautiful this morning- and quiet. I need to go shower and get dressed because I have tons of things to do today but Halle is still sleeping (because Life Group went late last night) and I haven't had a quiet morning to myself in such a long time I thought I'd just enjoy it for a while and let you know about something great.

For the last six years I have suffered from a weird illness. I first noticed it after I had Chloe. I was working out to get back in shape and after just a few days of working out I'd feel like I had the flu. It took several times of that happening for me to put it together and it didn't seem to make sense that working out was making me sick. Working out is supposed to make you stronger, healthier, & less stressed. I-was-baffled. So I tried supplements like crazy looking for "the wonder pill" and still I got sick. I was tired but not the drowsy-can't-stay-awake tired but an aching tired that went through my entire body. It wasn't normal and I didn't know what it was. Sometimes I would tell Travis, "I have that weird sleeping sickness again" but it was more than that. If I wasn't dealing with the weakness, achyness, ungodly tiredness, and low grade fever then I had trouble sleeping- especially in the last year and then there were the headaches every-single-day. I thought that stress had just shut down my immune system and that as soon as things get better for us I'd be fine. Less stress = no more sickness. I've worked out in the way we think of working out for 16 years and for the first ten of those I never, ever had the symptoms I'm describing. I went through a divorce, being a single Mom and working my way through college without ever having more than the sniffles and then there was this craziness that was rapidly taking over my life and was starting to become debilitating. I've never missed so much church in my life. Sometimes I would be sick for three days but I could be sick as long as three weeks and if I tried to push through it my body pushed back and I ended up in bed for even longer.

I was praying a couple of months ago and asked the Lord to change things for us so that I could be well and He spoke to me and said "You're circumstances don't have to change in order for you to be healed." I didn't know what to do after that but at least God knew there was something wrong with me and it wasn't just me being crazy. So a couple of weeks ago Travis and I were praying about something (I don't remember what) and usually when we pray one of us prays first and then the other one prays. It was my turn to pray last and as I did I felt strongly that I should pray about my healing. I don't think that I prayed a spectacular Billy Graham style prayer but I just asked God to heal me and then I thanked Him because I *knew* He was going to do it. But I didn't realize right away that I was healed. There were no thunder bolts, no electric shock feelings running through my body- I just felt at peace knowing that my creator was taking care of me and that He would heal me. So sometime in the next couple of days I mowed the lawn. Travis told me not to (sorry honey!) but Amanda was whining incessantly about how hard it is, etc. Now, I have to give it to her that mowing Mt. St. Button is difficult with our little push mower- especially mowing the ditch. Move over squats because it kills your thighs- I'm just sayin'. So I mowed it and I'd done it before a couple of months ago and I was sick the next day but this time I did-not-get-sick! I think I realized at that point that God had healed me so I wanted to really test it out so I did cardio on my exercise bike that I've hardly been able to use in the last year and then I did a complete weights routine- upper body-lower body- crunches. I'd done that about a month ago and I was sick the very next day but again- I DID NOT GET SICK! So the next day I worked out AND tore the bathroom apart. Over the next few days I stripped wallpaper, spackled, sanded, spackled, sanded again, and painted the room with 3 coats of paint! My legs and back were sore the next day from all of the getting up and down on the stool I was using (I always take one huge step up so that I can get the strength benefit- I'm really not obsessed!) but I did not get sick! Then my M-I-L was here and we were busy from sun up to sun down it seems and I worked out and I did not get sick!!! So I went from barely being able to run errands without being sick on the couch for days to conquering pretty much everything I want to! I know that I am healed and I'm so incredibly greatful.

So after I realized I was healed I was describing all of my symptoms to my M-I-L and she said, "Amy, that sounds like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome". Funny, I'd been to the Dr. and he did a blood test to check my thyroid and to see if I was anemic and he said everything looked fine, I just had a virus and had most likey trashed my immune system from stress. I guess I could have been checked out more and been poked and prodded and MRI'd but the end result would have been the same and I would have spent a ton of money for them to tell me there was nothing they could do. But my 6 year mystery illness has been healed by the one who knew me before I was ever born. I don't care what you call it I just know I was sick and now I'm healed. Praise to our amazing God!