October

I love October. I usually hate it because I'm hiding the kids eyes from scary decorations at the mall or at various other stores. But it's not bothering me so much this year. I'm not sure why. Fall is in full swing here and the temperature is beautiful. We actually had freezing temps a couple of nights this weekend. And I love it.

We went to the park last night for family night. We only had about an half hour before the sun set and we spent our time holding Chloe up and pushing her around on her "new" garage sale find, roller blades. We did actually go garage sale shopping the weekend before last. And I did find some cool things. Besides Chloe's roller blades (they're probably Barbie, I can't remember) I also got a computer desk for $5 (painting project to follow) and brand spanking new running shoes for $15. A guy in a subdivision down the street from us is a sales person for Adidas and had all manner of brand new shoes for really cheap. I was going to buy the same shoes in a different color from Costco but they were $22 dollars more. So I was willing to have purplish trim instead of turquoise. I was also given a piece of art with the desk. The owner just wanted to get rid of it and being the creative soul that I am, I thought I could do something with it. I'm still thinking about it but it may end up at Goodwill. It reminds me of Frank Lloyd Wright but Amanda says it looks "so 80's". We'll see.

I'm contemplating some changes. Not huge ones but maybe blog ones. It's the things that are going on here plus health problems that my dad is having that make me wonder what I write for. I originally did this to keep in touch with family and friends that are far away. So that people could see pictures of the kids and hear the funny stories that you miss when you live far away. Occasionally I'm willing to post deeper thoughts but what's it for? I'm not super-inspirational-has-all-the-answers girl. There are enough blogs out there that do that. And I guess I'm just really sad when I look back at the things that I've written. How hopeful I've been in the midst of everything and not realizing why things were so tough. It seems like a lie. I'm tired of lemons and most of the roses I've been given were tools of manipulation (ex-boyfriend). I think I'm tired. So do I just put on a game face and keep going? Post about cooking and decorating and cute kid stuff and forget about everything else? An escape because I like writing sometimes? I'm not so good at a game face. I feel like a phony and I hate feeling like that. Do I scrap it all and start over? Maybe. I can't really imagine not having a blog. I know I can't just leave it hanging out there undecided, that would drive me nuts. I don't feel to weird writing all of this since there are only about 2 people that read my blog anyway. So I'll decide something relatively soon I think. Until then, I'll enjoy reading your blogs and listening to your lives.

Whiplash

I'm sure I'm not the only one like this but if I haven't had any grown-up talking time in a while and it's been an eventful day and Travis comes home, I just start rattling things off rapid-fire until he says "Amy, hold on, you're giving me whiplash". You never do that, right? I'm going to try to not do that to you today, K?

I am doing much better physically. I was frustrated a couple of weeks ago because I was back in the spot where I couldn't do anything without ending up in bed for, well, a long time. But I have a strategy and it's really working. I was in church a couple of weeks ago (I've actually been to church 3 weeks in a row. That hasn't happened in a very long time.) and the Lord said, "I'm walking you out of this". That was exciting. And literal. I'm walking now. Not power walking, just plain old walking. As I was praying one day the Lord told me that if I walked it would strengthen my immune system. He's actually been telling me that for a while and I was being so stubborn about it. I don't like walking. But I *really* don't like being sick. I'm also taking mega doses of vitamin C and vitamins. It's so simple and I've made it so hard. Walking isn't that bad. The rain has hindered me a bit this week but I'm going to try to get out there today.

And speaking of rain, it has poured here all week. It's not usually blog worthy but have you other Tennesseans noticed that it's made the hills around here look like the Smoky Mountains? How I wish I had a camera that could capture that sort of thing. I've just noticed those plumes of steam coming up from the hills that surround our house. It is beautiful.

And speaking of the Smoky Mountains, Travis and I are going there next week!!! It's our 10th anniversary and we really wanted to go out of town. I really wanted to go hiking and initially thought we could stay at Fall Creek Falls and go hiking. I've wanted to go back there forever but haven't been able to for one reason or another. So I made a reservation but they only had availability for one night. We really wanted to stay for two. Then I remembered a place that we'd stayed at in Gatlinburg about 3 years ago. The rates were reasonable and we spent a lot of time in Gatlinburg for our honeymoon. I called and they had a vacancy for the two nights we wanted and she gave me a discount because we'd stayed there before. So we actually would only be spending a tiny bit more for staying the second day. My parents are going to be picking up the girls for us next week and they'll take them back to Birmingham. Then we'll go to B'ham and stay for my dad's knee replacement on that Monday. Then I'll stay for the week and chauffeur my mom around and help out with whatever they need. The timing of everything worked out perfectly.

And speaking of pumpkins...I didn't mention pumpkins? Oh, silly me, I will now. I have two growing pumpkins as we speak. One of the pumpkins rotted on the vine because I got a little too happy with some pruning shears. But it looks like I'll have two little pumpkins as long as I get them off the vines before a frost. I read a quote last night that said "to be a successful farmer, grow pumpkins". Really? Maybe I'm just over thinking it or something but I don't consider my last two tries at pumpkin growing to be that successful. Powdery mold freaks me out and it kills the leaves on your plants. After all the wonderful rain we've gotten my plants are completely afflicted with it. I was going to show you pictures but my camera is dead. I love it but one of the most infuriating things about it is that it doesn't show that the battery is low until it's nearly dead. So pictures will come later.

Other fun stuff...Amanda has decided to move out- in six months. Or rather, she wants us to move out so that she and some friends can rent this place. Really? Travis and I laughed. I do think it's a good idea for her to move out though. Not in an "I can't wait to get rid of this kid" sort of way. But I know her and this will be good for her. She needs to know what it's like to pay bills and buy food and cook. As of right now she knows how to save money but she doesn't realize how much everything costs. She'll be nearly 20 in 6 months and I think it's going to be a very good, growing experience for her. We'll see how that goes.

And more good stuff...

Travis was asked to be one of the lead characters in the kids Christmas play this year. He's pretty excited about that. It's a big role with lots of lines which makes him happy. It's not Shakespeare but he does get to do anger at one point and I think that's always exciting for an actor.

And even more good stuff...

I've talked to some of you about this already but Chloe is having the most fantastic year at school that she's had since kindergarten. Her reading has skyrocketed and she's very, very happy. Her teacher has given dubbed part of the room her "Chloe corner" and she gets to sit by herself and read whenever there's free time in the room. If you know Chloe at all, you know how much that has meant to her. She really "gets" Chloe. And I am thrilled.

Is your neck hurting yet?

Hiatus

So, maybe you noticed, maybe you didn't, but I've taken a bit of a hiatus in computer land. It's nothing tragic or crazy, I'm not having a breakdown, I just wanted to unplug for a while. No Facebook, no blogs, no incessant checking of the million little things there are to check out each day. And it was really nice. I found that I started thinking more clearly. I was less distracted. I felt more engaged in my life. And I found out that I still don't have time to do all the little things that I have to do during the day. Hmmm. I still intend to blog and to read your blogs (I did check-in to make sure that Christy's little nephew was doing ok) but I plan on spending less time in general on everything computer related.

Things here are really, really good. I've taken stock of my life during this last year and I think that I'm more content and happier than I was this time last year. I've taken a really hard look at some things and have faced my past and my fears and I realize that who I was doesn't define who I am. I used to think that was the case but it's not true. My past nearly destroyed me. It made me a hard, tough person- I used to think that it made me strong. But Christ and my life in Him defines who I am. My strength is in Him and He has made me softer, more loving and compassionate. I've come to some conclusions about some things that we could talk about over coffee sometime. And I'm looking forward to a new season for us as a family, for me personally and am thoroughly enjoying life today. It's funny how God's method of completing you is by stripping everything away. Then He rebuilds it. I'm looking forward to that.

Because It Was Horrible to My Taste

This past Monday was family night of course, and I made burrito fixings since everybody loves burritos. Mostly. Actually, Chloe and Halle like bean burritos- the Taco Bell variety. I forgot to buy a can of refried beans so they were out of luck. But I did grill some chicken breasts that were marinated in Mojo. I love that stuff (it comes in a big bottle at Publix- do not buy Publix brand, blech) actually I love Cuban food and am very glad that I married a Cuban. Anyway, if you marinate the chicken for about 30 minutes (there's citrus in the marinade and it can start to cook the meat if you do it for longer) and grill it and it's fabulous- and really simple. We made burritos for the girls and all of a sudden Halle spit out something and we asked her what she was doing. To which she replied- "I spit out da chicken 'cause it was horrible to my taste". I wanted to be upset but I couldn't help but laugh.

Something that Travis brought home last night was horrible to my taste too...this pretty little apricot. So sad...

I've never actually had an apricot before that wasn't dried so I was excited to try it. Unfortunately it was mealy and tasteless and dry. I didn't finish eating it. It had to be that particular fruit because Travis loves them but he didn't like this one either. We'll have to try it again sometime.

In other news I've figured out my remaining sickness issue. Yeah, really I have. I'm allergic to TN. That's kind of anti-climactic, right? But I've noticed that my fatigue, headaches, feeling like I have a cold or flu symptoms were the same as when we had the cats. It left when we got rid of them and came back when allergy season started. So now when there's no tree pollen I feel fine, when it's low I start getting sinus headaches and really tired- any more than that and I'm done for. But I'm not the only one. My dad said he used to feel like he had the flu a couple weeks out of every month when he lived in FL. So yeah, that's it. It's nice to know that I'm not really, actually sick. My immune system isn't wrecked like I thought it was and that's encouraging. The not encouraging part is staying in bed for two to three weeks at a time because I'm allergic to trees. I love trees. And I love TN. But it's making Florida look even better. I wonder if I'd be OK vacationing here? We used to vacation in NC and I was just fine. Very sad.

And on another note- I finally have Amanda's schedule! And I don't think I'm going to be all that busy with her stuff. I need to look at it again but she really wants me there for her competitions and for the award ceremony- for which I need at least a semi-formal dress. I don't really feel like buying one of those right now. And I'm having a bit of trouble not being critical about some aspects of this whole thing. I know that acting is my daughters passion and I appreciate that. I just hate the whole modeling, image aspect of it. I found myself being a bit sickened as I watched a little girl of about 5 posing for her dad when I was at Amanda's last practice. She was made up like a little model and clearly that's the aspiration. It's just not my thing. So I need to make it a goal to not judge and be loving and excited for these kids- and adults- that are trying to make a career in a field completely about image. And talent- a lot of these kids are really talented. And this is what Amanda is called to. I'm supporting her and praying for her. I just need to leave my condescending, self righteous attitude...well, I should just lose the attitude. Ooh, I think it worked...I feel much better now ;)

And I think that's all of my ramblings for the day.

I Smell the Sound of Sweetness Baking

That's what Travis just said to me. Of course he meant that he smells homemade brownies in the oven. It's upside down nature made me think of things that were already swirling around in my mind though. For one- Facebook. That ultimate time stealer (if you let it) and artificial people finder. Not that I should be too critical, I've found several people that I really care about and have even been able to write some encouraging words to friends that needed it. The problem is that I haven't really wanted to be found. Found by college friends is OK, those were good memories. But I didn't want to be found by people I went to high school with. I don't know about you guys but high school was the most wretched, horrible experience of my life. Well, besides just growing up. I think my life started falling apart in 5th grade. No, I'm not kidding. That was my first experience with friends turning on me and spreading rumors about me. 6th grade was actually better because I went to public school that year and everyone was really nice to me. But I begged to go back to private school because it was all I had known. It just goes to show you that kids really don't know what's best for them.

I moved away from Lakeland. It was really all I could think about during my college years. I didn't want to see or hear from anyone I knew growing up. They knew my mistakes but they didn't know who I was. I wanted to get away from my ex-husband and make sure that Amanda was safe. For those of you that don't know my teenage years went like this- I played every sport imaginable, had my daughter at 17, got married at 18 (to my drug dealing boyfriend that promised he'd changed) and divorced him at 19. My divorce was final 3 days before my 20th birthday. The hearing date went like this- I was in college. Because I was getting divorced my counselor felt that a full load would be too much so I had classes at 11:10, 12:20 & 1:30. So that morning I went to court, got divorced, cried driving down the road, my ex-passed me and laughed at me and I made it to my 11:10 class. That afternoon I went to my job at Wal-Mart. That evening I was sitting in the break room thinking about the day and it felt like I should tell somebody, anybody what happened. But I knew that nobody would care. So I didn't.

In January 1993 was when I really got serious about my relationship with God. I was at youth group and the pastor, Mike Tedder- a man that I will be forever grateful to for so many things- gave an "altar call" and I was the first one out of my seat and up at the front. I threw my hands in the air and said "God I don't have anything left to offer you but my life. Take it and do whatever you want to with it". And it's been that way ever since. The next month God called me to ministry. If your familiar with my (former) denomination at all, you know that a divorced person has no place in ministry. Whether or not there are Biblical grounds. I'm not going into it all but I had all the Biblical grounds I needed. This would prove to be a faith builder my entire college career.

Back to Lakeland. My ex got much, much worse. He was arrested for selling drugs several times and even confessed to a mediator (we were seeing her about a visitation spat) that he was selling crack but in the state of FL that is not enough to terminate visitation rights for a child. I knew that my only option was to play along and wait until he got tired of putting forth the effort to see Amanda. I had to quit acting like anything he did bothered my while simultaneously being the biggest, um, rhymes with witch, that I could. It turns out that I was pretty good at it. But I was also very concerned for her safety. Lakeland felt like a prison and I couldn't wait to leave, burn the bridge and only go back for Christmas. It's funny how bridges get rebuilt without your permission.

Back to Facebook. I've been found by a few people that were peripheral and also by someone that made my life miserable. Oh, plus my ex-husband is "Facebooking" now and is friends with the one that made me miserable. And I have to say that I haven't freaked out. The Lord has given me peace. I should probably add that my husband adopted Amanda on election day 2000. She's been safe for a long time. Actually, she's been safe all along. But I did remember every single reason that I hate Lakeland and never, ever wanted to go back.

Do you ever wish that God would just leave well enough alone? Does every single area of my life have to be completely plowed up so that I have to take a good hard look at it? Can't I just forget that my former life existed and live here? A few thoughts came to me though as I was thinking (maybe, possibly pitching a fit about it) and praying. The first thing is that God wants me to fear nothing. There is nothing that man can do to me. People can gossip and hurt me but I'm different and I have an amazing support system now and God gives us wisdom to deal with things. And maybe those same people have grown up the way that I have. I'm not really giving anybody any credit if I think that after 18 years they aren't any more grown up than they were in high school. And the other thing is this- how will God's glory be displayed if I don't stick around for that to happen? I said this before but they knew what I did but they didn't know who I was. And they certainly don't know who I am. The only way that a person can get from so broken to whole is by Christ. There isn't an amount of counseling that can fix problems so deep that only God can get to it. I believe that the purpose for our moving is for restoration. Restoration for our families, restoration for people that we knew a long time ago, and restoration for people we haven't met yet. Facebook wasn't my issue, being found wasn't my issue- fear is my issue. And we'll face it, God and Travis and Amy. And we'll walk it out together.

This is pretty heavy duty stuff so maybe later I'll post about those brownies. Which coincidentally were pretty heavy duty. Maybe it was the stick and a half of butter.

Much to Say

There's much to share and I've been a bit preoccupied lately. Things are getting pretty intense here as far as praying and listening and receiving direction about our lives. I think we're hearing some things and getting some direction but it's kind of like seeing hills in the distance. It looks like a big green mountain until you get closer and can pick out the individual trees. On the one hand I'm happy that God is doing things and the intensity is a necessary part of that. But on the other hand I hate to feel unsettled, like everything could change in one instant so I walk around feeling like a fish out of water. Everything seems strange; like I'm stepping out over a cavern on a bridge with no rails. I guess that would be more than strange...but you get the idea. I'm not scared- I rarely get scared at times like this. On the contrary, I get excited. But I feel the Lord saying "count the cost" and it makes me think. I'm not a naive little girl anymore that thinks just because God's called me to do something it's going to be all butterflies and rainbows. I think that whatever it is, it will be *amazing*- and really hard. But what is the alternative? I told God when I was 19 that He could take my life and do whatever He wanted to with it so I can't just take it back. Not that I want to. It's just that I've been around this block enough to know that it's going to be hard.

At our church, we read the Bible through every year. We have a set schedule so every year at this time we're reading through the exodus and following the Israelites into the promised land. The point that they're at right now is after they rebel and have to wander in the wilderness for forty more years. But once they reached the promised land- once they crossed over the Jordan river, they didn't exactly get a break. They didn't get to sit by the pool, kick up their heels and drink Mai-Tais. Nope. They had to fight. Yes, God fought for them but they still had to swing the sword themselves. And they had to do it over and over and over again until they had run out enough inhabitants that they could actually live in the promised land. I think in the past I've mentally stopped at the promised land part and have overlooked the fighting for it afterwards.

So, I think spiritually we're fighting for it now and we will be fighting for it after we see God's promises fulfilled. I want a break, really. I need a vacation at the beach with waves and sand and sun with the burden that we've carried for such a long time removed. I think I'll get it. And then I'll pick up my sword and fight some more. That's the nature of the life we live. In some ways I'd love for someone to tell me that I get to move to Key West and walk on the beach in a flowy skirt and sandals for the rest of my life and live in peace and security. And the rest of me knows that I'd go crazy in about two weeks. That's the nature of the call to serve Christ. You can never be content not making a difference somewhere. So we wait, sometimes patiently, sometimes impatiently for whatever this thing is to happen. I'm excited and nervous and peaceful and am anticipating amazing things to come.