I Smell the Sound of Sweetness Baking

That's what Travis just said to me. Of course he meant that he smells homemade brownies in the oven. It's upside down nature made me think of things that were already swirling around in my mind though. For one- Facebook. That ultimate time stealer (if you let it) and artificial people finder. Not that I should be too critical, I've found several people that I really care about and have even been able to write some encouraging words to friends that needed it. The problem is that I haven't really wanted to be found. Found by college friends is OK, those were good memories. But I didn't want to be found by people I went to high school with. I don't know about you guys but high school was the most wretched, horrible experience of my life. Well, besides just growing up. I think my life started falling apart in 5th grade. No, I'm not kidding. That was my first experience with friends turning on me and spreading rumors about me. 6th grade was actually better because I went to public school that year and everyone was really nice to me. But I begged to go back to private school because it was all I had known. It just goes to show you that kids really don't know what's best for them.

I moved away from Lakeland. It was really all I could think about during my college years. I didn't want to see or hear from anyone I knew growing up. They knew my mistakes but they didn't know who I was. I wanted to get away from my ex-husband and make sure that Amanda was safe. For those of you that don't know my teenage years went like this- I played every sport imaginable, had my daughter at 17, got married at 18 (to my drug dealing boyfriend that promised he'd changed) and divorced him at 19. My divorce was final 3 days before my 20th birthday. The hearing date went like this- I was in college. Because I was getting divorced my counselor felt that a full load would be too much so I had classes at 11:10, 12:20 & 1:30. So that morning I went to court, got divorced, cried driving down the road, my ex-passed me and laughed at me and I made it to my 11:10 class. That afternoon I went to my job at Wal-Mart. That evening I was sitting in the break room thinking about the day and it felt like I should tell somebody, anybody what happened. But I knew that nobody would care. So I didn't.

In January 1993 was when I really got serious about my relationship with God. I was at youth group and the pastor, Mike Tedder- a man that I will be forever grateful to for so many things- gave an "altar call" and I was the first one out of my seat and up at the front. I threw my hands in the air and said "God I don't have anything left to offer you but my life. Take it and do whatever you want to with it". And it's been that way ever since. The next month God called me to ministry. If your familiar with my (former) denomination at all, you know that a divorced person has no place in ministry. Whether or not there are Biblical grounds. I'm not going into it all but I had all the Biblical grounds I needed. This would prove to be a faith builder my entire college career.

Back to Lakeland. My ex got much, much worse. He was arrested for selling drugs several times and even confessed to a mediator (we were seeing her about a visitation spat) that he was selling crack but in the state of FL that is not enough to terminate visitation rights for a child. I knew that my only option was to play along and wait until he got tired of putting forth the effort to see Amanda. I had to quit acting like anything he did bothered my while simultaneously being the biggest, um, rhymes with witch, that I could. It turns out that I was pretty good at it. But I was also very concerned for her safety. Lakeland felt like a prison and I couldn't wait to leave, burn the bridge and only go back for Christmas. It's funny how bridges get rebuilt without your permission.

Back to Facebook. I've been found by a few people that were peripheral and also by someone that made my life miserable. Oh, plus my ex-husband is "Facebooking" now and is friends with the one that made me miserable. And I have to say that I haven't freaked out. The Lord has given me peace. I should probably add that my husband adopted Amanda on election day 2000. She's been safe for a long time. Actually, she's been safe all along. But I did remember every single reason that I hate Lakeland and never, ever wanted to go back.

Do you ever wish that God would just leave well enough alone? Does every single area of my life have to be completely plowed up so that I have to take a good hard look at it? Can't I just forget that my former life existed and live here? A few thoughts came to me though as I was thinking (maybe, possibly pitching a fit about it) and praying. The first thing is that God wants me to fear nothing. There is nothing that man can do to me. People can gossip and hurt me but I'm different and I have an amazing support system now and God gives us wisdom to deal with things. And maybe those same people have grown up the way that I have. I'm not really giving anybody any credit if I think that after 18 years they aren't any more grown up than they were in high school. And the other thing is this- how will God's glory be displayed if I don't stick around for that to happen? I said this before but they knew what I did but they didn't know who I was. And they certainly don't know who I am. The only way that a person can get from so broken to whole is by Christ. There isn't an amount of counseling that can fix problems so deep that only God can get to it. I believe that the purpose for our moving is for restoration. Restoration for our families, restoration for people that we knew a long time ago, and restoration for people we haven't met yet. Facebook wasn't my issue, being found wasn't my issue- fear is my issue. And we'll face it, God and Travis and Amy. And we'll walk it out together.

This is pretty heavy duty stuff so maybe later I'll post about those brownies. Which coincidentally were pretty heavy duty. Maybe it was the stick and a half of butter.

I'm Totally a Cheater

So this would be the *third* Tuesday without an Open House Tuesday, right? I feel bad-ish about it but my life is too insanely busy to worry much about it. I haven't really had the time to look at houses online soooo, I'm going to be a cheater today. Yep, that's right, I'm sending you to Julia's blog for her open house that's right up my alley. She's done a nice tour of an historic neighborhood in Ohio where she lives. Whew! That's one less thing for me to worry about now.

The things I *do* have to worry about are as follows:

Scrub the bathroom floor with a crazy kind of killer cleaner to hopefully make it look mostly clean before my Mom-in-Law and Brother-in-Law show up tomorrow morning. Well, before I pick them up from the airport anyway.

Finish cleaning the house-mop the new floors-vacuum, etc.

Wash the floor mats in the van and wash and vacuum the van.

Eat something at some point.

Do chord charts for Travis because we're leading worship tomorrow night. And practice- we haven't practiced a lot yet.

I'm feeling a bit stressed and have for the last two and a half weeks. Tisra was kind enough to come over and help me paint that darn paneling. Wow! What a job. It took several hours and a bit of refereeing the five kiddos but we did finish. I'll show pictures after I finish the trim and paint the cabinets. It looks much better and I'm nominating her for sainthood.

So, yeah, that's it I'm done. I'm trying to get to blogs, read and actually comment on them but in my frazzled state I'm not sure where I am much less which blogs I've read. So I promise I'm not ignoring anyone and I'll probably be back on the ball next Tuesday. And I will find a ginormous, crazy fancy house that none of us will probably ever live in for you all to drool over. It will be fun- and then I'm going to take a nap.

It's Girls Day!!!

Well, I guess every day is girls day at the Button casa but today is *really* girls day because Travis isn't coming home tonight. He's felt for a little while that God wanted him to go away and pray so tonight he's headed to a lodge south of here. Of course, we're supposed to have rain, sleet and 3-6 inches of snow (we'll see) but we both agree that we're not going to let fear dictate what God is going to do. And since everything is an occasion for me, I have a mental list of 80 things I want to do tonight. I bought a Barbie movie for the girls that they're watching now and I have a few minutes to blog-yay!

It's not like I don't have time to blog, I'm just trying to direct my time and energy so that I'm more productive. I've been thinking about it for a while and see that since I mostly blog about the good, productive, happy things I do, people that don't know me well probably have a much different view of me than is real. To say that I'm not perfect is, well, um, *duh*. But there are specific things in which I consistently fail. For instance, picking my clothes up out of the bathroom floor. I don't even necessarily mean to do it *and* it drives me crazy about myself but I can't seem to get past it. I'm a terrible housekeeper, no really, I stink at it. I'm not organized and I'm constantly wondering where my time goes. I don't finish projects. I start strong and then fizzle out, usually because I get interrupted or because of a roadblock. Sooo, where to go from here? I have to go somewhere because I *need* order in my life. My kids need to do chores. I'm constantly picking up after them only to have them destroy it in about 2 minutes. It takes focus on my part that I don't have. I've never developed it but I know I can. So four out of the five days this week I wrote down a list of things that I wanted to get done during the day. Wednesday it helped that my mentor came over so even though I felt like "poo" I cleaned the entire house. I put up the last of the Christmas decorations (it was one of those roadblock things that I'd put off) and brought out pictures that I haven't had out since we moved here. Originally I didn't have anywhere to put them but then we were loaned the piano and I have space to put some of them. I did every single thing on my list that day but didn't finish my list for the rest of them. But I'm not beating myself up because I can't help it if I'm interrupted or not feeling well, etc. I'm going to have a plan but not beat myself up if I can't finish it. And I'm also going to schedule time with my kids and time for myself. If I spend hours doing things around the house I deserve some time to unwind and I refuse to feel guilty about it. The whole point is order and balance- not to go crazy in the other direction.

So tonight I want to plant some basil and Italian parsley in little pots- I'm not planting all of those seeds though because I don't need 50 of each plant so if anybody wants some just let me know. I haven't had the gardening bug yet this year and it concerned me a bit but I really want to start planting things now. I'm still not at the point that I can rent a tiller and do an entire garden but I really do like container gardening. You don't have to worry about weeds and things like that. I found some really nice sized galvanized buckets/planter thingy's at Lowe's for about $15. It was in the paint section I think so I don't know what they're actually supposed to be for but they look like perfect planters- with some drainage holes knocked in them of course. I wanted to pick up some oriental poppies tonight (beautiful and they'd make great models for paintings) but I read on the package that they bloom *one year* after planting. I think that I'm a pretty good sport about waiting for things to bloom since I plant from seed most of the time but I'm not that good of a sport.

And in a little note about my sweet little Chloe...

Isn't it wonderful when your kids do something completely out of the ordinary and your close friends are there to witness it? Or not. Last night we met the Kelso's at Chick-Fil-A for dinner. Well, the grown ups were all talking and the kids were in the play area (brilliant, no?) when I saw Chloe looking at a little boy with a really big scowl. Then I saw her turn around and start *punching* another little boy and then the first little boy and then the second little boy and then the first little boy and she were punching each other! I said, "Travis, she's punching them!". So he went inside and did the Dad, "hey, what's going on!?!" thing and Chloe started talking and crying and the boys scattered. Apparently, the boys were being mean to her and saying that they were going to pull her hair, etc. And as Kris put it, "she decided her best defense was a good offense". So my sweet little Chloe that *everybody* always loves, decided to take on two boys at once. I didn't know she had it in her but I definitely saw myself in that play area. Of course, Travis told her to come to us next time and he stayed in the play area for the rest of the night. Is it bad to say I was impressed though? No, I'm never going to tell her it's OK to beat people up...

It was really nice to see the Kelso's too. Those boys are completely adorable.

I recently purchased some fabric for my new nieces fabric cubes. Angie's going with pink and green but JoAnn's didn't have a decent green in the squares I was buying. So I want to go to the quilting store in downtown Franklin but I've either been feeling crummy or the weather has not been conducive to walking outside. Tomorrow is probably out because of snow but I'm getting there next week- I'll have to put it on my to do list. I'm just hoping that have better/cuter fabric than what I find at JoAnn's.

The girls movie is over so it's time to get crackin' on planting and whatever else I plan to do tonight. I should probably start by feeding them dinner...

I Forgot to Dry the Jeans...

Chloe has 3 pair of jeans and I washed them all last night- and forgot until I woke up at 7:55 that I hadn't dried them. I don't remember ever doing that before. Gaaa! What to do? Can I send her in a skirt? At 50 degrees, it's warmer than it has been and with her coat it wouldn't be that bad. Then I imagined her shivering on the playground, squatting down so that her coat would cover her bare legs. Capri pants then? That's just slightly better than a skirt. And I could imagine her pulling her socks all the way up to cover the exposed leg. She'd look like a hillbilly (and I'd look like a bad mom) but it would probably not be too emotionally damaging. Then I heard the cough. The really congested cough and thought it probably wouldn't matter that I didn't dry the jeans. And sure enough she's got a sore throat and a cough. She doesn't really have a fever but with the sickness that's going around it's plenty of reason for me to keep her home- besides the aforementioned lack of clothing to wear.

I should probably catch up on some other things here as well.

Travis and I led worship at Life Group about a week and a half ago. I was pretty nervous when it was time to actually do it. I wasn't nervous at all leading up to it because I just really felt that it was the right thing and that it was the right time. But every body that's ever sung in front of people before knows that it's much more nerve wracking to sing in front of 20 people that you know in an intimate setting (meaning they're standing 10 feet or less from you) than it is to sing in front of 2,000 + strangers, on a platform, with bright lights shining in your eyes so you can't see anybody. But apparently it went well because Marianne asked us to do it again in March and from here on out to do it for the first Life Group of the month. I'm excited and I think I'll get less nervous as time goes on.

Our V-Day plans got messed up a bit but we were able to reschedule and have dinner on Sunday instead of Saturday. Amanda woke up really sick Saturday morning and what we originally thought was a stomach bug was actually the result of a bad dream. It upset her so much that she got really sick. She has a nervous stomach and you never really know what is going to stress her out to set it off but it's never fun. We did have a really nice meal the next day though. OK, if I'm going to be totally honest, I think that Ellendale's didn't have it's A game on when we went but it was still nice. The service was great, I just find that if you go to a restaurant at an off time the food just isn't usually as good. I had a burned crouton in my salad (or maybe two) and my potato mound was closer to a rock in texture, and they gave me about 5 green beans and two pathetic carrot slices. I know I'm not a restaurant critic but the food just wasn't as good as the other two times we've been there. Well, Travis' sweet potatoes were out of this world amazing and the pork chop and steak were very good- I'm just not used to having negative things to say about it. Moving on...

My sister in law is expecting their new little girl sometime in the next month and I've promised to do a painting and to make this cute little thing- only in pink. I haven't found the fabric yet and the needle is broken on my sewing machine although I could probably hand stitch it without too much difficulty. I've never shopped for a sewing machine needle before. For the painting the inspiration is this set from Pottery Barn Kids. Angie is doing the pinks and greens from the set and my only hesitation is that I can't *really* tell what the colors are from that. The pinks look more peachy on my computer screen. I know it doesn't have to be exact and I may just do a cream backdrop with butterflies and some flowers. I really should get started. It would be really nice to drop off in person though. Travis still has never seen their last baby and he's almost two. *Sigh* If they'd only move here... ;)

"I Guess That's What I Get For Thinking So Well Of Myself"

That's a line from one of my favorite movies. And really, it couldn't be more appropriate for me today. I'm watching the Fadely kids tonight so that Eric and Tisra can go out for their anniversary. And in the interest of being declared the best babysitter in the universe I decided I'd get pizza and make cupcakes- and I rented 4 movies-including Justice League- but that has nothing to do with this morning. I also needed to make a Key Lemon Pie for Travis to make up for his terrible Father's Day (I might post on that later and yes, it is a Key Lemon Pie. Make sure you carefully read the label when shopping for Key Lime juice because your husband might just decide he likes lemon better). Since I had a white cake mix that called for 3 egg whites and the Key Lemon pie called for 5 egg yolks it seemed silly not to do both of them at the same time. So I made the Graham Cracker crust, separated the eggs, put the crust in the oven, put all the ingredients into the cake mix, added a whole egg to the remaining two egg whites and put them in a pan to scramble for breakfast later. Then I congratulated myself on my thriftiness and productivity. After I spent a good bit of time congratulating myself I attempted to transfer the cake mix with the yet-to-be-mixed ingredients from the island to the counter (because my mixer cord won't reach that far)but I dropped it. Yes-I-dropped-it. Now, I didn't just let it drop because I had one hand on it but I didn't have a good grip so I went all the way to the floor with one hand on the bowl and ended up with cake mix, butter, and water on my glasses, in my eyes and all over my pants. And of course as I was rinsing my face who should toddle in but miss sassy pants who promptly slipped and fell into the mess. But I couldn't get to her because I couldn't see anything. I'll spare you the rest of the cleaning up details and the incessant screaming and shouts of "I fell!" but since I didn't completely spill the cake, just quite a bit of the water and some butter I decided to just add some water back to the mix until it seemed the right consistency and made the cupcakes anyway. I haven't tasted them yet but if they're terrible I can just toss them out and haven't lost any more than I would have if I just junked it.

So that's my story and now I have a ton of things to do to get ready for the evenings fun. But I hope it gave you a good chuckle.

Oh what fun....

it is to give up sugar! Not really. But I have since this past Tuesday given up sugar and bread and I feel really good. I have made my health issues a matter of prayer and have realized that some of my symptoms, while not serious right now, will become very serious if left untreated. Headaches-every-single-day are not normal. Being sick every time I do any type of strenuous physical activity- even running errands these days- is not normal. I won't list all of my symptoms because I'd like to keep them to myself but just a general feeling of malaise isn't normal.

So I had to make changes. I'm not freaking myself out about this too much for fear of becoming overwhelmed and just saying "forget about it!". So I'm taking it one day at a time. I haven't had any tea sweetened with sugar since Sunday, I think. And can I just say that I would rather drink something fizzy/sweet than eat sometimes. I'm always drinking something. On Tuesday I had 3 cups of green tea with Stevia and 1 cup of a Key Lime flavored ceylon black tea. I felt like I was brewing tea all day long, so I think I only drank water the next day. But in order for me to stay with this I have to have something fun in my diet. I tried Milo's tea with Splenda and I just thought it tasted fake and wasn't refreshing at all. I've been very anti Splenda but thought that I needed something like sweet tea. But I read a women's magazine and found a company that makes a soda called diet steaz. It uses green tea, organic cane juice, and stevia along with some other things but it's fizzy and fruity and only has 30 calories. It tasted OK when I tried it last night but it wasn't cold and had a weird flavor. It tasted like this other liquid detox stuff I tried that reminded me of a not-so-yummy vegetable broth or my detox tea. But after I refrigerated it and drank it while I was eating something it was much better. But I felt better after I drank it. It was refreshing though and it didn't make me feel sick or sluggish or anything like that so I'll probably try some of their other flavors. You may be wondering why I would go through all the trouble? Well, I really, really like flavored drinks.

My dilemma is, of course, how to keep going and what I can eat. For now I'm eating eggs, cheese, nuts, lean meat, veggies, and fruit. And I made a decent smoothie from 1 cup frozen berries, enough whole milk to make it blend well, 3 packets of stevia, 2 tablespoons of flax seed meal, and a touch of orange extract (I miss the orange juice!). It's pretty good and the longer I go without sugar the better it tastes. It also gives me more energy than I would have if I went strictly low-carb. My other dilemma is what to do about the rest of the family's diet. Should I just let the girls go on eating/drinking the way we have been and let them figure out their resulting health problems on their own? Yeah, I didn't think so but I'm not sure what to change. So anyway, this is just another step in my trying to get better and the Lord is really helping me with it. I've never wanted to be a "fussy" person that can't go to someones house and eat what is offered so I don't know what to do about that either. I'm sure I'll figure it out but at this point the benefits are outweighing the negatives.

I can't believe I'm already into week 2 of the girls summer break. Time flew last week when Mom and Dad were here. I dragged them to Hendersonville as soon as they got to our house this past Wednesday. I needed a hair cut and I'm very afraid to try someplace new since I have several bad hair cut experiences. And I also needed to go to Ginger's Health Food store. I was able to stay well for 2 and a half months last year by taking some products from Renew Life and even though it's little pricey I'm desperate. I also wanted Mom and Dad to try them because of some health issues. And Amanda had plans with Taylor before her modeling gig so dropping her off there helped him out a little bit. That night we headed over to Centennial Park for her fashion show and there was a movie in the park as well but since Napoleon Dynamite was showing we decided to skip it. Besides after driving from B'ham to Franklin to Hendersonville to Franklin to Nashville they were pretty well tuckered out- and I was too.

So the next day we went to the Factory and visited the Viking store, ice cream shop, and a great consignment store. I actually meant to tell everybody about it but I got a great skirt and linen top from there for around $20 so the next time I have shopping money I'm heading there first. I also found some plate holders that I can use for the paintings that I've done on canvas board. The one pictured is the one I did for my Mom for Mother's Day. I just gave it to her this past weekend because I felt like a dork by giving her something I painted (picture a 6 year old Amy handing her Mom a scribbled on card). I was really afraid she wouldn't like it because I wasn't completely thrilled with it but she did like it and it looked nice in the plate holder. I'll take a picture of another of my paintings in one so you'll know what I'm talking about.

By Friday we had birthday party errands to run, Travis came home sick with a stomach bug and we had to reschedule the party, more birthday errands because we couldn't send my parents home party-less, and hours of Rook playing. By Saturday everybody was just kind of sick from this or that and very tired from all of the running. I'm afraid it might be a while before they come back.

Much more happened over the weekend including a big health scare with Trav's Pop but God is so good and Pop is much better. He was in the hospital with a heart condition but thankfully it wasn't a heart attack and we are very thankful. He's out of the hospital and is able to go back to work- and workout- today, I think.

Right now I'm planning on feeding the little ones and am going to take them to the mall to play. It is pretty hot outside and it really isn't that much fun for any of us to be outside for long.

It is So Not Worth It!

I've been sick lately- a lot. Actually it's gone on for about 5 1/2 years that when I workout strenuously I get sick. I like to work out hard- it makes me feel good. I know that some people don't understand that but it's just how I am. So a couple of months ago I went to the Dr. (because Travis made me) and laid out the sickness routine- I work out strenuously for about 3 days in a row and then I'm sick for 5 days and up to two weeks. I told him that we'd been under a lot of stress for several years and he said that when you're under stress your body released a hormone (that I can't remember the name of) and it's the same one that Dr.'s give to transplant patients to wreck their immune system- and it's very effective. I was happy on the one hand to hear him say that because it's just not natural for someone to get sick as often as I do and it's frustrating. I can't count how many days I've spent lying on the couch when the kids are outside playing. I resent not being able to be as physically fit and as active as I want to be- it's all just very frustrating. So I've kept working out and kept getting sick. And all this time I feel the Holy Spirit saying to me "relax". Relaxing is not in my nature- I need to achieve and conquer something- always, even if it's just reaching that next level on the exercise bike. But on Mother's Day I decided to take a walk with Chloe. We decided to walk in the neighborhood across the street from ours- the one with the crazy-expensive houses. So as we walked we came across a series of ponds that the developers call "lakes" (I really hope the residents didn't pay extra for that- I'm from Lakeland and I know what a lake looks like) and then came across a dock. Chloe and I walked out onto it and saw lots of medium sized fish (probably bream) and turtles and a goose. I think they were waiting for us to drop some breadcrumbs but alas, we had none. We had so much fun and it was so relaxing- even though we walked for an hour and a half. So yesterday we decided to walk again and took Halle with us since Travis was mowing the lawn. We went back to the dock and had a seat this time. The turtles that would disappear under the water if we flinched the day before seemed very curious and some swam right up to us- including a small alligator snapping turtle! Chloe said to the goose, "sorry goose no bread" since we'd forgotten to bring it along. And Halle mimicked her saying "sowwy goof, no bwead", with her hands out and a shrug of her shoulders. It was slightly breezy and the girls had the happiest looks on their faces and I thought, "it's just not worth it". I guess my desire to work out has to sit on the shelf for a while. I'm going to take it easy and walk for a while- which I don't really like. In the past walking was what I did on those days that I felt like a slacker. But I'll walk and take Chloe with me (or anyone else that wants to tag along) and stop and smell the roses that she picks for me and get better.

The stress of our crazy lives has brought me to this point but I know that God is restoring us. I'm not content to say that this is just how it is. God has brought us through this amazing and painful journey and while I believe that we're at the end of that journey, our journey into restoration, healing, and ministry is just beginning. I will be climbing mountains again soon.

Apparently I'm.....

Apparently I'm on the "she's a sucker for a magazine subscription" list. And I guess Having 3 magazine subscriptions would suggest that I might be a sucker for a magazine subscription. And I guess that ordering the Cooking Light cookbook has now put me on the "she's a sucker for a cookbook" list as well. A couple of months ago I decided that my cooking is in a terrible rut and I need to try new recipes and that I wanted them all to be healthy. And since 2 of my magazine subscriptions are Southern Living publications I received an offer for an entire years worth of Cooking Light recipes cookbook plus "2 free shockingly extravagant gifts!". Um yeah, the shockingly extravagant gifts were a calculator that will tell me the current local time as well as the time in Denver and Hong Kong and a shockingly extravagant PLASTIC toile bag! I'm using the calculator because I needed one and Amanda absconded the bag and carries it to school every day. And they sent me an envelope full of "special offers" which consisted of fliers for free Hoodia (except the cost of shipping), some sort of mother's ring or pendant, and colorful elastic waisted pants. So if I take the free Hoodia do I still need the elastic waist pants?

But all cheekiness aside I did try an alfredo sauce recipe (which was actually from their magazine, I don't know if I have it in the cookbook) and it was really amazing. It was very rich and very garlicky- just the things you'd expect from an alfredo sauce with a lot less fat and calories. It is not, however, the recipe that I e-mailed to several friends last week. Same company different recipe- the one I sent out doesn't have garlic and what's the point of an alfredo sauce without garlic? And tonight I'm going to try a potato soup recipe that is Cooking Light but it's from a flier they sent me for ANOTHER cookbook! I just bought a cookbook and I haven't even had a chance to look through it yet! Um, yeah, I'm on the list.